Daddy's Journal Letters to Renesmee
by jmolly
Summary: A series of letters from Edward to his unborn daughter, based on the same canon as my 'Unforeseen Events' series and 'Little Angel of Forks'. AU/OOC elements.
1. Chapter 1: The Meaning of Your Existence

**Daddy's Journal (_Letters to Renesmee_):**

**A series of letters from Edward to his unborn daughter, based on the same canon as my 'Unforeseen Events' series and 'Little Angel of Forks'. All vamps and relationships remain as the original, but I have added some AU/OOC elements to Stephenie Meyer's universe. Rated T for mature themes.**

**Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended. Any resemblance to persons living or dead is merely coincidental.**

**Chapter 1: The Meaning of Your Existence**

_Thursday, August 24th, 2005,_

_Dearest Renesmee,_

_Your Auntie Alice knew I would like to write to you, because I'm a sentimental sappy date, so she gave us this journal. Pretty nice, isn't it, with the hand-tooled leather and gold-embossed titles? It smells attractively of fresh paper and leather right now, but it will probably be well-worn by the time you wrap your hands around it. I hope you will enjoy having it someday when you're old enough to understand it._

_It's all because of your mother, really, that you're on the way. She forces me, as your Uncle Jazz says, to colour outside the lines. Bella is undeniably the strongest person I have ever met. The purest, loveliest creature I've come across in my very long lifetime. She's stubborn. She's sometimes impatient. She can be subversive. She fights like a demon from the darkest circle of Hell if you push her hard enough, or threaten those she loves. And the feisty minx is not afraid of anything, thank God. If she were any different, you would not exist, because she and I would never have been together._

_But her story is in another journal, that I'm sure you'll get to read, too. This one is for you. Your story, of how you came to be._

_Assuming how thoroughly you are going to know us (and how revolted you will probably be by our affectionate behaviour) it will probably come as no surprise if I admit to you that your mother and I were not precisely chaste during the last few weeks leading up to our wedding. Although I think we both should get an award for upholding antiquated, Victorian standards before that. So it must be admitted that we did a little intimate touching* that would have had your Grandpa Charlie using his gun, had it come to his attention. We spent almost two years slipping under his radar, just to be platonic. There was no hot and heavy behaviour going on, no matter what your Grandma Renee might say. _

_Yes, Grandpa Charlie did pull the service revolver on us, once. And he didn't know the half of what was really going on. Had he known, he would have actually fired the gun. Yes, I'm snickering right now. So sue me. I'm 17, you know._

_I hope you and I will be closer than Charlie and your mother were, and you will be able to talk to me, when life happens to you._

_I digress. _

_Bella and I were insanely, profoundly, irrevocably in love with each other. One thing led to another, and we thought we were behaving ourselves pretty nicely, waiting to go all the way until we were married, and yet, you and God surprised us. In all likelihood, you were made the first time I touched your mother (July 19th, FYI), so don't go listening to some boy telling you that you can't get pregnant the first time, or that you can go pretty far without any risk. Truth is, I barely touched her, and here you are._

_No jokes about that, please. You have a lot less hang-ups than I do. My parents gave me an awful lot of ideas about what was proper. All of them were ingrained until your mother started chipping away at them. Your parents, on the other hand, are rebellious in comparison._

_Don't even try the 'everybody smokes dope and so did you, Daddy' approach. I will not be impressed._

_*Please note, child of mine, that on a certain day, if you bring home some fellow and tell me you're so in love and just have to be with him, and you hold my 'confession' over my head, one or both of you are going to end up turned inside out and run through your mother's infamous chipper-shredder. What's good for me is most certainly not automatically good for you. And any young upstart, no matter what his species, who dares to show up at my door had better silly-well be worthy of you._

_Back to the story._

_So, there we were, going along our cheerful way, nursing secret, impossible fantasies of becoming parents. Hiding as best we could from each other the fact that we would have given our eye teeth to make each other parents. To see each other holding a tiny baby. To fill arms which, by design, must remain barren. And I was stubbornly convinced that you could never exist. That it was beyond God's power to salvage somebody as damaged, useless, and intrinsically wicked as me. Why would He want to? There were more deserving people out there._

_And your headstrong, beautiful, rebellious mother kept after me. "You are worthy. God loves you. You are good," she would say. And I was quiet. But inside, I scoffed. I was arrogant. I was resigned. And I was so unhappy._

_Then, something happened to crack me. She thawed me out, your mother. She was my faith, and she was my rock. She was my Heaven, too. One day, I decided that whether God loved me or not, I would thank Him aloud for letting this wretch have your mother. And when I thanked Him, I made a wish. _

_It wasn't a prayer. I don't ask Him for things for myself. I don't deserve any. I never pray for myself. I'm not human. I'm only the dog under the table, and I'm happy with whatever scraps He's willing to throw me. I pray for your mother. I pray for you. I pray for other people I love. But not for myself._

_I wished, never expecting to get noticed._

_It was only a wish._

_I wished for you._

_And God, who can do whatever He wants with anybody in existence, regardless of species, gave me you. He smacked this arrogant, hopeless, faithless, stupid, useless creature upside the head hard enough to knock me on my butt and rattle my teeth. He reminded me that He's in charge. He reminded me that nobody can hide from Him. And He reminded me of what my mother, Elizabeth, God rest her soul, told me when I was just a kid: nothing that exists outside of our own skin can separate us from God. Nothing in Heaven, nothing on Earth, nothing in Hell. Not even venom._

_The only thing that can separate us from God, is our own stubbornness and lack of faith. Our own fear. Our willingness to stay within our comfort zone, rather than take the risk of getting hurt. But I'll tell you something precious girl, that it took me a good swat on the ear from God to figure out._

_God has limitless power. You can't tell Him what to do. You can't tell Him what He 'should' or 'shouldn't;. You can't tell Him He can't do something. You can't tell Him something's impossible._

_With God, all things are possible. You, Renesmee Carlie Masen-Cullen, are living proof of that. My personal miracle. That's you.  
_

_Be smarter than your old man, and don't forget God is in charge._

_Yes, you're developing pretty fast, which is a little unnerving for a worrywart like me. Your mother takes everything pretty much in stride, as usual. Anyway: pertinent facts. Your home is now measuring 12 inches from mother's pubic bone to the fundus, so we are going on the assumption that you're developed to the equivalent of 12 human weeks. That means your due date is November 20th._

_Two days ago, you announced your presence by becoming a bump on Mom's normally flat tummy. She complained to me tonight that she couldn't get into her underwear (That's fine with me, not that you want to know anything about that). And Mom is taking on a lot of new characteristics. Her skin is now like mine. She's thirsty. Her eyes have changed and her hearing is much better. She can run and jump and climb and we're having a ball with that. _

_She stopped peeing today, and barfed up her last human meal, which was fried chicken, fried mandioca, onion rings and a salad. Oh, and tea. She never made it to dessert, which was one of the chocolate-filled buns I normally make for her. They, and the cinnamon buns they evolved from, were your mother's favourites. She also had ice cream with whipped cream and strawberries today, that we made together in an old coffee can. It had chocolate chips, cocoa and coffee in it. Lots of sugar. Your mother had a real sweet tooth. _

_Someday, if you can tolerate human food, I will make it with you._

_But Bella still blushes, and it's so lovely. I will miss that, when she crosses over. Her sense of smell is weak, she still trips on flat ground, and her heart beats. But she's so much more durable, that I know you were designed by God. Because God wouldn't put you inside a vessel that was too weak to hold you._

_You were, are, and shall ever be, desperately wanted. You will be loved and cherished. You are filling arms that were devoid of hope. How cool is that?_

_Don't expect to be spoiled, either, even if you are Alice and Rosalie's niece. You, unlike the children of this generation, are going to have good manners, and a respectable upbringing. So there!_

_Your life is going to be remarkable. You are so loved, already, and your bones haven't even been knit together, yet. I can't wait to see you. I can't wait to have you in my arms. To see you in your mother's embrace._

_Admittedly, I already know what you look like, courtesy of your psychic Auntie. But it's not the same seeing you in Alice's thoughts as it will be seeing you face to face. Touching you. Smelling you. Hearing you. Feeling your weight and warmth. And watching everybody we know celebrate your life, along with me and your Mom._

_Loving you always, and living in hope,_

_Your Father, _

_Edward Anthony Masen-Cullen_


	2. Chapter 2:  Patient

**Chapter 2: Patient**

**Disclaimer:**** All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended. Any resemblance to persons living or dead is merely coincidental.**

_Friday, August 25th, 2005,_

_Dear Baby Girl,_

_I was listening to a song today, thinking that what it said was right. A lot of songs say it, because it's true: Two is better than one. I'm not even going to tell you what song it is, because either I'll still be listening to it when you're old enough to remember, or I'll be so sick of it by then that I'll never want to hear it again._

_It is much, much better to endure unpleasantness if you aren't alone. That's not to say I'm glad your mother had to suffer along with me. You know what I mean. You're a bright girl, so you'll get my drift._

_I'm pretty sure three will be better than two. After three, the possibilities are endless. Since we decided to let humans into our world, I'm beginning to really see the benefits of expanding our relationships._

_Anyhow, I don't know how I'd have gotten through the past twenty-four hours without your mother. Some days when I'm all caught up in myself, feeling inadequate and depressed, she totally carries me. I don't know how she got so strong, but I'm glad. And don't tell her that, she'll never let me live it down._

_It has been a mentally and physically wearing day. I've no doubt your mother has shared her pictures with you many times. Indeed, the whole family may have created a mural out of them for all I know and I've been subjected to my own horrid face every day since today._

_Holy, the tenses are getting confusing. I feel like Alice._

_As you probably know, we were enjoying a nice little visit with our humans down here, when baby Bruna (who is an adorable 6 month old, but certainly not as cute as you because you look like your mother) sneezed all over Bella and rendered her ill. It would not, FYI, be the first time this has happened to your mother. Remind me to tell you the story of the time we had to look after clockwork babies in Senior Year. Only that wasn't snot, it was~_

_I'll tell you another time._

_However, today's mishap would be the first (and hopefully only) time a baby-induced one happened when Bella was no longer precisely human. I'm talking about Bruna. Not you! You were a miracle, not a mishap. Well, so was Bruna, but she accidentally messed things up today. Not on purpose._

_So. Our darling Mommy got sick. Being a hybrid, she mutated the blasted germ and shared it with me. Now, if we can't keep it from spreading, every vampire on the planet is going to hunt us down and kill us for introducing the common cold to the species._

_Alice says it's going to be alright, so I am going to refrain from -as Jazz says- pitching a fit. You may thank me for not keeping you and Bella under lock and key until after you're born. Bella and I do, after all, have an important mission to accomplish._

_God handed us a bunch of tools to accomplish our objective, so despite the fact that we're venturing into the unknown, I'm feeling pretty confident that we will succeed. I mean, I'm taking your mother, who is famous for her clumsiness (not to mention for being a certifiable Danger Magnet), into a jungle full of hazards and wild things. And possibly vampires. And humans who have good cause to really, really hate us. So that tells you how confident I am in our ability to pull this off._

_Of course, if I were objecting at all to going, Bella would just roll her eyes and drag me there._

_Yeah. Don't tell her, but if I want her to do something, all I have to do is tell her 'no'. That's called manipulation. I'm trying to quit. Honest._

_I'm being honest, too. No lies, even to protect her. That's new._

_I hope you're proud of me._

_I digress. What else is new?_

_I'm going to whine to you, because I pray to God you won't be able to mutate germs the way your mother can at present. I take it He will grant me this prayer, as life will not be terribly pleasant for you if we're constantly keeping you away from sick people._

_I'm sick as a dog. I detest being sick. My experience with the Spanish Influenza was enough, thank you very much. The best thing about being a Cullen is never getting ill. Yeah, it has its drawbacks at times, but since I found your mother and she convinced me that my soul's not lost, I can see a lot more benefits to being me than I used to. The biggest of these is durability._

_I can remember lying in that hospital bed as clear as day. My first mother, Elizabeth, wore herself out looking after me. And it was for nothing. The virus still conquered me. For that reason, I'm afraid of germs. Not exactly a realistic fear, up 'til now, considering what I am._

_I'm trying to get past my negative attitude about being immortal for a bunch of reasons. The following are predominant:_

_First, according to your mother, God intended me to be what I am. Because Carlisle preserved my life, I survived long enough to meet your mother. Perhaps neither of us would have had happy, fulfilling lives otherwise. Well, obviously, I wouldn't have. I'd be dead now, in the ground beside my parents._

_Second, you would not exist. And you need to exist. You are indispensable now. Not just to me, to a lot of souls._

_Third, the kind of brain we have, enables me to enjoy being with my mate in an unchanging state of adoration, conceivably forever. I'll tell you what, Tigger. Keep it secret, okay? I've never been so freakin' happy in all my existence, human or not, and I want it to last._

_Fourth, my mother wanted me to live. And that brings up the question: What is life? What does it mean to be alive?_

_Well, I lived a long, long time without being alive. I existed. I did not live. _

_Your mother has joshed with me so many times about being undead. I don't even think of myself that way anymore. Immortal. Undying, perhaps, but not undead._

_My new attitude is entirely your mother's fault. Considering that she spends much of her leisure time reading exceedingly depressing stories like "Wuthering Heights" and "Romeo and Juliet", she's quite the optimist. I mean, everything she does is life affirming. She's like some ... vibrant artist, painting canvasses with bright splashes of colour inside my head. She encourages me. All the time._

_I can't tell you what that means to me._

_Your mother? She's an unstoppable force of nature. Or maybe she's my personal angel._

_So, I no longer want to be labelled as 'undead'. There's something ambivalent and pale about the word._

_Just because we're physically pale, baby girl, does not mean we have to be pale in any other way._

_Life is when you open your window in the morning, and see possibilities. Life is when you have people around you to love, and you make sure they know that you love them. Life is enjoying your senses, your talents, and the things around you. It is opening yourself up to new experiences. It is daring to take risks. Daring to risk getting hurt. Without reaching outside your comfortable, but possibly bleak, bubble, you stagnate. You aren't reaching your potential._

_I'm so glad your mother is chock full of determination._

_OH! You do NOT have my permission to go off and do reckless things, smarty pants. That's not the kind of risk-taking I meant, and you know it! You mind what you do. I'm quite certain we shall manage to imbue you with common sense. You do, after all, have a spiritually and emotionally mature mother, and a father who over-thinks everything._

_God help you if you come home on the back of a motorcycle. It was bad for Bella, and it's bad for you, too. I mean it. If you're not careful, I will take Uncle Em's joke about me making you the only kid on the planet dressed in bubble wrap, and I will run with it. Don't tempt me!_

_Am I rambling? I am so sick.  I actually coughed up phlegm. That's so gross. And Bella had to go out hunting for me because I was too sick and I felt so useless. I'm supposed to take care of her. _

_Well, I think in some ways, she enjoyed being stronger than me today. Which is sensible. I'm not about to gripe to her about it and spoil it for her. Bella's right to feel that way. Yeah, I'll tell you why._

_I never really thought before, about how powerless your mother must have felt (as a human) in relation to me. I used to just take care of her, and be a little smug knowing I'd never get sick and I'd be able to take care of her physically whenever necessary. Well, God has a sense of humour, for sure. He made me sicker than her. He made her physically stronger than me! And I turned into a big pouty baby._

_(Don't tell her that, in case I pulled off the charade and she thinks I was a good patient. I suspect, however, that she knows. She knows me too well.)_

_So, dearest daughter, I learned something today. I re-learned what it's like to be weak, and need somebody to do things for you that are just plain embarrassing. It was awful. It was frustrating. It was also annoying._

_I was a little cranky at times with your mother (she was teasing me), and with your Granddad Carlisle (for not having an instant solution to the problem) and with Alice (for not preventing it) and at Fernanda (for bringing a sick baby to the house) AND at myself (for being weak, not preventing the illness, not being able to fix it, not being able to take care of your Mom, not being God... The list is endless)._

_You know how I am. I'm an arrogant piece of work._

_Today, I had to be humble. I didn't like it. Control freak, yeah? But I'm actively trying to change that, because it's not good. I thought I'd feel uneasy, trying to release some control, but I don't. It can be liberating._

_Tigger? Maybe I'll outgrow my ego by the time you're old enough to tease me about how I'm not perfect._

_Anyhow, I didn't like feeling weak. It gave me insight into your mother's human thoughts._

_Your mother wanted to be like me. I denied her for almost two years. I invalidated her feelings. _

_I apologized to her ages ago for making her feel sad, frustrated and angry, but as much as I understood that I'd hurt her, I couldn't really relate. Yeah, I remembered what it was like to have the influenza. But I took my health for granted. I thought I was safe from being sick, ever again, and I took it for granted. And I forgot what it was like, living in fear of becoming ill. Becoming weak. Becoming old. Why? I was past that fear. My fear, prior to meeting your mother, was that I would never die._

_Well, having met your mother, I definitely have lived in fear of losing her. Of being separated from her. I guess I just didn't understand that she, as a weaker vessel, was realistically afraid of the same things._

_Yeah, Bella was afraid of loss. Loss of health, loss of strength, loss of beauty (although she'd just describe it as fear of looking like an arthritic Char Pay next to a Greyhound). Ultimately? Loss of me._

_That will never happen, assuming I have any say about it. Only thing that can actually separate us is the Almighty, and I don't think He will. Of course, death could prove a temporary separation. The odds aren't good of us being separate for long after that, I hate to tell you. But you might as well be prepared now. But I'm trying to look on the bright side. Our kind was designed to love, hopefully for a very long time. We will be steadfast and true._

_In the name of fear, I lied to myself about some major things (Translation: arrogant! ) . For example, I told your mother it wouldn't matter if she aged. In most respects, it wouldn't. I would still love her the same. But if I'm painfully honest, I have to say that I am glad she will be beautiful forever. I used to think that was superficial, but I've been thinking about it a lot, and I'm not sure anymore that it is._

_By making her durable (which was God's little surprise to me, regardless of whether I thought it should happen or not), God made Bella my perfect mate. She matches up with me, like we're a pair of puzzle pieces, see? Made for each other. We're compatible. Nobody will ever question it. Nobody will ever separate us, until it's time to go Home. Probably not even then._

_Another thing I lied to myself about was being self-sufficient. Boy, your mother blew me out of the water on that one. I haven't been able to cope, being parted from her, for more than a day since we met. And here, I thought I could be 'noble' and let her be. Shows how stupid your old man is. I sure hope you can put up with me._

_Holy cats, I'm moping, aren't I? It's worrying about this trip to seek out the hybrid boy. The rumour is that hybrids kill their mothers, and I didn't need to hear that today when I'm sick and weak._

_I don't believe it's true. If God is making your mother more durable, He must want her to survive. So, it must be the father's fault. The sire must have responsibilities during the pregnancy and birth. And somewhere along the line, that knowledge has been lost. The history is missing. Well, I'm going to take care of your Mom. Love her, as she ought to be loved. That is, with every fibre of my being. As I will love you._

_Yeah, I'm going to be a mate, a husband, and a Dad to you guys. Not a sire. I will be there every step of the way._

_Bella cannot die, or there's no point to anything. Carlisle says God doesn't give us more than we can handle. Losing Bella would be unbearable, as would be having anything happen to you. So, it isn't going to happen. That's all._

_Besides, Alice has Seen things that are virtually certain: Bella running with me, in the forest back home in Forks. Bella sitting with us all while you play guitar at LaPush (Incidentally, Bella still can't sing. Totally unchanged in that regard. It's endearing). So life is going to be good._

_Something else is good, that I never saw coming. Now that Mom is more durable, I have more confidence in her abilities. It's not so hard to allow her to be independent. Not so scary when she tries new things. You know, she tried leaping from one tree to another during her hunt, and she fell about 30 feet. I laughed. It doesn't scare me when she tries things like that, because I don't think she'll get hurt. I don't expect to lose her._

_So now I'm seeing her as a grown-up. Definitely don't tell her I used to think she was 'just a kid'. She'd kill me._

_By the way, there are very few divorces amongst our kind, because it's rare for someone to settle for somebody he doesn't love (even if his comprehension of that sentiment is shallow compared to a Cullen mate bond). There are a couple of existing cases where couples have paired up in order to gain a perceived mutual advantage. Usually, the pair marry for political gain and end up miserable. At least if they split up, nobody dies. _

_I've heard of a couple of mates murdering their partners, though it ultimately ended in tragedy for themselves. So I'm serious. Don't tell Mom. You and I need the occasional secret, to keep her from exploding. Em might be right about her being a scary newborn._

_Nah._

_You know what? Watching Bella sleep? One of my favourite pastimes. Listening to her heart beat, and feeling her breathe on my chest. But here's another little secret: I can't wait for Bella to stop sleeping. I suspect I'll always be busy, once it happens. And I won't be able to spend so much time over-thinking things, because she'll be there (as Uncle Jazz says) to get me out of my funks._

_Except for being sick, I've been having fun and looking forward to the sunrise every day. Yeah, good things are coming. I just have to be patient._

_I'm good at 'patient'. Usually._

_I can't wait to meet you._

_Love now and always,_

_Your Dad_

_Oh, I meant to tell you, God is not some uncaring, judgmental father. God is a Dad. And He loves you, too._


	3. Chapter 3: Overwhelmed and Unimpressed

**Chapter 3: Daddy's Overwhelmed and Unimpressed**

**A/N: Okay, my lovelies. Help? Please?**

**I have a core group of wonderful people who review, pm, favourite, and generally give me their love. And I'm grateful. I have responded to every single signed review and pm, and I plan to continue to do so. You are a blessing to me. **

**Some people have reviewed every single chapter I have published. That's... 120 chapters as of 5/27/10. Yes, I do notice:) Some day, when you are least expecting it, you will get a special reward. Because I value your dedication. Thank you.**

**Tuesday, 5/25/10, my stats report that _not one person_ read a single one of my stories on ffnet. In eight months, that has never happened.**

**So, being a sappy date, who craves her daily fix of praise, I am begging for two things: First, if you don't do this regularly, will you do something this week to tell me you're hanging with me? Review, favourite, recommend, pimp, pm, nominate, do something to help me add to my audience. I love my audience. I wish I could sit you all down in a room and read aloud to you. Trust me I do not take a single one of you for granted. However, the more the merrier. **

**(If you're a new reader, welcome!)**

**Second, if anybody has time and talent, I would be tickled to death if you would make me a banner or start up a thread/community (except I don't have time to Twitter). You know I love to get to know my readers, and if you put in the effort, I will be there. Often.**

**Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended. Any resemblance to persons living or dead is unintentional. **

**Now, on to the good stuff: Time with Dadward!**

_Saturday, August 26th, 2005,_

_Dear Ren,_

_I'm glad I have a perfect memory, because I'm not taking you on a plane until you're old enough to go to the restroom (assuming you have to do that)._

_Mommy and I are on the Flight from Hell._

_Yeah, I'm whining again. And judging from the look your mother just gave me, she knows it, too. She's not reading over my shoulder, either. She never does. I love that. _

_Your aunts and uncles used to think about reading my journals. I am amazed, actually, that they never went in my room and peeked. Well, actually they did once, when your mother and I split up. I had left, and they were worried about me. But my family found out everything, and that's just wrong._

_That was a disaster. The break-up, I mean. I was an idiot. It's also water under the bridge, so I wish I could forget how I hurt her. Even the nap only dulled it down. Perhaps that's for the best. I'm much more careful about how I treat her now._

_Digressing, as usual. Digressing, and whining. Tired of me yet? I can just see your eyes roll. Hate to tell you how much you look like me when you do that. What? Alice Saw it, so don't tell me it ain't so._

_Back to the point: Yeah, they went and rifled through all my journals. I use them to sort myself out. My private thoughts exposed. And they wondered why I didn't like having people in my room? Duh._

_I probably wouldn't mind if your mother read them, because she wouldn't freak out and she wouldn't judge. She's like Carlisle that way. But the nice thing about your mother is, she asks. She asked to see my baby picture, for instance, and it was tucked in a journal. She enjoyed seeing the picture, but she didn't ask to read what I'd written about it._

_Yes, I have let her read some things. And now that we're married, there are other things I want her to read, that would be most easily expressed to her this way. But ... you wouldn't want to know about that stuff, trust me. Seriously. Don't touch my journals. You'll be grounded forever if you do. And I do mean forever._

_Holy! I may be developing intense sympathy for Charlie. Scary thought. Well, he likes me now, so even if you mess up, you can believe I'll still love you._

_As well, if Bella does burn, and should she lose any of her human memories, I have pretty much written out everything that has happened in our lives for the past nineteen months. So I won't let her forget. Yeah, not even the bad stuff. She has a right to know all about her life._

_Guess I could end up doing that for you, too, baby girl._

_I'm writing to you whilst on the plane heading for the Amazon, in case you haven't figured that out. Our seats are not the best, and we're stuck next to this big heavy guy, Jerry, who does not smell the best. In fact, the air is stale, the 143 passengers and the 6 crew stink of old ,dry sweat, and the baby across the aisle just cakked in its pants. Again._

_I know I should feel sorry for it. Well, I do. But it just smells awful, and I'm afraid to stop breathing in case Jerry notices._

_By the way, he's an aspiring author and he's thinking all sorts of wicked things about me and your mother. Things that should have me turning him inside out with rage, but have me laughing instead. I don't know what's up with that. Perhaps it's something to do with knowing your mother is happily married to me (I could repeat that sentence over and over in my head like one of Alice's attempts to distract me from things she doesn't want me to know. Bella is happily married to me...Bella is happily married to me... la la la...)._

_I do hope Jerry writes the book. I shall be the first in line to buy it, assuming he writes it under his own name. Wouldn't that be a gas! It wouldn't be for your tender ears, though, lovey. You'd probably want to bleach your brain, picturing your mother and I~_

_Yeah, it happens to be about a young doctor and some girl he meets. Well, at least I could be an actual people-doctor vicariously, through the book. That would be so funny. If it were well-written, I might even tell Carlisle. He'd get a kick out of that._

_You know, I might even look Jerry up, and get him to sign it, if it ever gets written. Yeah. For sure I'd have to do that._

_Your Mommy just put my hand on her tummy, and you are kicking up a storm. I think you're mad at that poor little baby for screaming his head off. Holy, he's wearing me out! The stench is tickling my throat and making me cough. Alice said I wouldn't be contagious by now, thank God! All these people would catch the bug, since there's no fresh air on this plane._

_Guess I should be glad for the sinus, because it's dulled my sense of smell. I do hope I'm better by tomorrow, though. I'm going to need my strength and my nose._

_I am bizarrely excited to be taking your mother out into the middle of nowhere. Hopefully, amidst all this searching for informants who will talk to us, we will get a bit of alone-time. Despite the glitch, I just know that things are going to go well, and that I'll learn things that will help me take care of you and your mother. 'Cause taking care of you both, that's all that matters._

_Baby? I know you're mad at the baby who's yelling, but forgive him. He's just a baby. He can't help it. Maybe he'll grow up to be a really swell guy._

_Aw, in the name of all that's holy! The little kid just did it again. Aw, and he projectile vomited, too. And they're out of diapers. The poor mother just went off her nut. Not her fault if Hubby just thought it would be the bees knees to take Baby to see the old man's birthplace. Like, why not take the kid when he's old enough to remember?_

_Did I mention I'm not taking you on a plane 'til you're potty trained? This is why._

_Half an hour to go, sweets. Then, I'm gonna grab your Mom and make a mad dash for the exit. Almost there. Thank God!_

_Have I said how cute your mother looks tonight? You are an actual baby bump now. I can see you. Well, sort of. Okay, I can see where you're living. Hope you like your digs. You'd better think they're perfect. I do._

_Your Mom has on these brown denim short-coveralls and a pale blue t-shirt that Auntie Alice picked for her. And her hair's done up like Judy Garland's in "The Wizard of Oz". I kid you not. Bella is adorable. Remind me to stick a picture of her in the journal. Wait, I have one. I'll do it now._

_There. Isn't that nice? Well, I know it's a skimpy bathing suit, but you should see what the other ladies have on. When we get to the jungle, I'll take pictures for you of her in her overalls. Promise._

_Glad you're dancing, Tigger. It's a good way to live. Mom's glad, too. Her smile, when she touches her abdomen? It's beautiful, Ren. She loves you so much. Just like I do._

_Love always,_

_Daddy_


	4. Chapter 4:  Leaving Comfort Zones

**Chapter 4: Leaving Comfort Zones**

**Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended. Any resemblance to persons living or dead is merely coincidental.**

**Kaure, Gustavo, Pire, Huilen, Joqam and Nahuel belong to Stephenie Meyer. All the other Brazilians are mine. And Edward's. Hands off! Grr.**

_Saturday, August 26th, 2005,_

_Hello Again, Baby,_

_Well, we've arrived in __Manacapuru, in a more-than-usually melodramatic fashion. We didn't expect a reception committee, you see. Really freaked us out, although your mother and I played it cool._

_Have I mentioned how brave and trusting your mother is? Probably. I never shut up about it._

_Manaus, before I get too carried away, is quite the amazing-looking city. They call it the Athens of the West. It used to be called the City of the Forest, but I suppose when the more flattering nickname caught on, they couldn't resist adopting it. It's all modern, and glass, mixed in with old stone and brickwork. Very different from other places I've been._

_However, the sun was beating down (it's about 90__F plus humidity) and time is not exactly crawling for us, so there was no opportunity to explore. I wonder if we'll get to poke around for an evening before we fly back._

_So, we got here in Kaure's nephew Alessandro's Dune Buggy. It's blue and rusty and certainly not designed to travel these dreadful, pot-holed, root-encrusted roads. But it reminds me of the one your Uncle Em had in the 50's, back when Carlisle had property in Cuba, and therefore (being a sentimental sappy date) I absolutely love it. _

_Used to be fun, zipping up and down the beach in that thing. I don't think it would work to drive one on Esme's Island, though. The beach isn't clear and flat, and it would be a shame to spoil the natural beauty just to pollute the atmosphere with exhaust fumes. The Sea Doos do that enough._

_It put your mother on edge, though, riding in an open vehicle. She hasn't learned, yet, where she can safely go with her new sparkle. As she said, the Buggy is like Fred Flinstone's car. We' were under a little hardtop set on poles, with open roads and the sun beating down inches from our skins. Enough to make anybody who's inexperienced at being one of us edgy._

_Alessandro really stuck his neck out for us. Brave kid. He was truly afraid of me, as were the people in our reception committee. Bella and I seem to have won them over, though. It makes me nervous, having so many of them know about us. Humans can be so fickle. I didn't detect any deception in their thoughts, but you never know if they might just decide, once we've served our purpose, that they would be better off eliminating us. _

_When we're ready to go home, I think we're going to just show up unexpectedly at his door, and ask for a ride back to the airport. Hopefully, we'll surprise him and the rest of the humans won't even know when we leave the area._

_Yeah, we had a charming little Q & A session with 43 humans (totally unnerving) and everybody was paying strict attention to the answer when one guy asked how we could be killed._

_Like I was going to tell them t__hat?_

_N__ot!_

_Anyway, they all seemed to find the behaviour of myself and your mother reassuring, and Kaure's letter of recommendation, along with her St Christopher medal, seemed to help a lot. So I answered their questions, honestly, for nearly four hours, during which time your mother (who is severely jet-lagged) fell asleep leaning against my leg._

_I therefore hauled her onto my knee, snoring, to the great delight of the assembly, and carried on with the Q & A._

_Eventually, they all dispersed, and Kaure's sister Eruicha (who is very like her in character, but taller and not quite so independent) offered me a hammock. They explained that it was designed for two people, to hold up to 500 pounds, so I thanked her and accepted. I wouldn't want to break the furniture. If it were only meant to hold 350 pounds, we'd tear it._

_I'm going to have to figure out how to slip these people some cash, incidentally, without either offending them, or destroying their lifestyle._

_Haven't figured that one out, yet._

_We're going to have to weigh your mother when we get home to Forks. She's heavier than she was formerly. Nothing approaching my 300 pounds, but by the time you get big (seeing as some human mothers pack on 80 pounds with baby) she might just, temporarily, outweigh me._

_Actually, even Bella doesn't know how much we weigh. I mean, Alice weighs 160 pounds. Your mother might just find that little nugget hard to swallow. Not that anything else has fazed her so far._

_We won't be able to let your Uncle Em in on her weight. The resultant brand of teasing would not impress her._

_Mind you, she's moody enough at times, that Em might just have to watch his step. I can't decide whether I am dreading or anticipating the moment that he missteps. And he will. Emmett never changes. He rarely surprises me, although he has given me a couple of very mature pieces of advice that have gobsmacked the heck out of me._

_He and Auntie Rose are the only ones we haven't talked to since the wedding, since they're in Morocco, apparently having a great time, but finding the leisure to destroy my life by getting that picture of me published. I kinda miss him. Can't decide if I miss Rose, though. She's much nicer to me than she used to be, but she's never been a happy camper. And my happy circumstances might make life worse for her, which really makes me feel like a heel. Yeah, I feel badly for her and Em. But I feel like they shouldn't give up hope. As Maria Von Trappe said, 'when God closes a door, He always opens a window'._

_So, here we are (Mom & me) in a hammock, smack dab in the middle of the Amazon Rainforest. It's very pretty, here. Outside Eruicha's window is a wide expanse of water. Even with the sun on it, it looks black. And it's totally flat. No waves or current that I can discern._

_Her house is floating on pylons. It's a little disconcerting when I walk across the floor, because I'm heavy and it bobs. I'm stepping very gently, because although it looks sturdy, I've been wrong before. Won't hurt me to fall through, but I don't think it would make a good impression if I were to break the house._

_Your mother had a brief episode of sleep-talking this afternoon. I'll really miss that, someday. It seemed to have something to do with you, Hallowe'en, Emmett, and matching pumpkin costumes._

_Now that, I would like to see._

_As long as I don't have to wear one._

_Actually, this year, I have a wicked idea, if only I can talk your mother into it. If anybody should be a jack o' lantern for Hallowe'en this year, it ought to be she. She'll be the right shape for it by then. I'll have to see how sensitive she is about her shape. It involves body paint and the selective use of glitter. Personally, I find the idea of her rounded and waddling very sexy, but she says I'm a loon. I'll just have to show her._

_Not that you want to know anything about that. "TMI, Dad."_

_Well, I don't plan on giving this to you until you're about sixteen. So suck it up, sweetie. We're going to make you gag, anyhow, so I'm not going to bother to apologize for it._

_Your mother looks so content, sleeping. It's very healing, sleep. I'm glad I got to experience it again._

_Pfft. You don't want to know about that, either. Guess I need some alone time with your mother. I may be setting up that tent as soon as we are out of the company of Alessandro and these humans. He's going to give us directions and drop us as close as possible. Then, we'll be on our own._

_Happy thought._

_Stop gagging, Tigger! I waited a long time for your mother. We're on our honeymoon, as hard as that is to believe, with all these people and tasks abounding. Not exactly what I had planned._

_But we weren't planning on you. So reality is so much better than daydreams._

_Acceptable subjects ... hmm._

_We're going to have to wing it with the Ticuna, which is pretty uncomfortable for somebody like me, who likes to control the you-know-what out of everything. Of course, I tolerate the unknown far better than I did before your mother threw a spanner in the works._

_Once upon a time, before Bella and I really learned to talk to one another, ev__erything __we did felt like winging it_. _I was having panic attacks all the time. I sorta drove her nuts, making decisions for her and being over-protective. So I had to stop. Learn to respect her autonomy. Man, that was tough! When she learned how to reassure me, and I learned how to discuss my fears, things got easier._

_Now that we know how to communicate, there is far less stress. We know each other so much better now. And let me tell you, that is such a joy._

_Loving someone isn't enough. You have to be able to listen, too._

_Remember that someday, when you find your soul mate. And he's out there, I'm certain._

_I'll probably want to kill him for thinking about you that way. But I'll restrain myself, for your sake. Yeah, I want you to be happy, even if it does mean you'll grow up and belong to somebody other than me._

_Just don't grow up too fast, because I'm not going to be ready to share you anytime soon._

_Yeah, I'm cheesy, too._

_But your mother likes that, even if you won't._

_(Just between you and me, I don't like it when Carlisle gets all smarmy with my Mom, either. But I wouldn't want them to stop. So I'll try to be sensitive and not snog with your mother too much in front of you.)_

_So. Not sharing you for a long time. The family is going to be lucky to get turns holding you. Because I've been waiting for you for 80 years, even if I wouldn't admit it to myself. Isn't God great?_

_Overprotective much? You betcha. And greedy for attention, too._

_We are going to be best friends._

_But I'll still discipline your butt if you're naughty. Because I'm your Dad, and I said so!_

_So, I'm setting our journal down now. If my penmanship seems a little wonky, it's because I've been balancing the journal on one knee to write in it, as I don't want to disturb your mother. She will wake up soon, however. Then, we have to get going._

_Love you, completely._

_(Don't grow up too fast.)_

_Your Dad._


	5. Chapter 5: Purpose

**Chapter 5: Purpose**

**For Anthony, my Jazzy. Happy Father's Day.  
**

**Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended. Any resemblance to persons living or dead is merely coincidental.**

_Monday, August 28th, 2005_

_Dearest Ren,_

_I hardly know myself._

_Or perhaps I should say, I know myself a lot better now than I did yesterday._

_Thank God for your mother. As usual, she got me through it. I don't think I could have done it on my own. I don't think I'd still be here, if not for you and your mother. Were you two nonexistent, I probably would have-_

_Well, it's moot, because I wouldn't be here in the first place, doing what I'm doing, if it weren't for you. And I'm learning... good things about myself. Reasons to like being 'me'. Liking me better. That's all your mother's fault._

_You might not understand this until you're a lot older. I'll try to use the K.I.S.S. Method, okay? That means "keep it simple stupid" in case you don't know._

_Before you can properly love somebody else, you have to love yourself. I don't mean 'to be full of yourself '. I mean, you're comfortable in your skin. You like yourself. You like who you are, how you interact with others, etc. And you care whether you live or die. So, three years ago, I was devoid of hope. And I hated me. And I hated this so-called life._

_Bam! in comes Bella like a supernova. She set me on fire. Like flame to tinder. Yeah, I was dry, decomposing wood. And she made me feel.  _

_It's like I walked around for years being numb. Yeah, I loved my parents dearly. Yeah, I loved my siblings and their mates dearly. But I stayed on the outside, looking in. Never trying to be part of the circle. Existing._

_Your mother lifted my head, made me look around, and made me decide to try to get what I wanted. And what I wanted was a life._

_A soul mate. A family. A purpose. A child._

_The other thing she's talked me into, during the last 14 days, is reaching out to God. And we know, don't we, that that went extremely well._

_Well, today was, to put it mildly, a challenge. A threat to my fragile, new faith and self-acceptance. And I could have chosen to go back to being numb. Devoid of hope. Empty._

_Useless._

_It started with the bodies. I had to swim with dead things, and pull decomposing bodies out of dead water. You must know how I hate germs and filth. It was my total OCD nightmare._

_I swam in, and pulled the two girls out, and carried each one for an hour to release her into the open waters of the Amazon._

_(I'm not telling you this to boast. I'm telling you this because a year ago, I couldn't have done it.)_

_When I was done, I felt ... brave. Yeah. Brave, and selfless. And it was a good way to feel._

_Not that I didn't spend one heck of a long time scrubbing myself clean afterwards, whilst thanking God for soap and water. But it was nice to feel altruistic. It's been a while._

_And I was glad I can swim quickly, and I don't have to breathe, and I don't get sick, and I can carry heavy things for great distances. So I thanked God for that. For making me this way._

_Then, we got to the Ticuna village, and it all went to hell._

_First, we met a little girl, of 14, who's pregnant by a very nasty character. And when I discovered this, I lost my freakin' mind, kiddo. I've only ever lost my temper that badly twice before, and the vampires who provoked me died as a result. And I'm not sorry they did. I'm sorry they were nasty characters,and they probably became that way as a result of tragic circumstances, and I felt sorry for them for probably going to Hell, but I'm not sorry they're dead._

_So I scared the living daylights out of the local population with my angry growling. Then, another girl came out of the woods, and my friend, our guide, Cuāā aka John, got bitten. And the girl who bit him is his 16-year-old daughter. I can't think of anything more heartbreaking. She was impregnated by the same reprobate as the first girl._

_Before the night was done, I delivered two babies, and bit two humans: John, and Chepaā (his daughter). The Due'e watched us, and then I asked for supplies and they brought us some stuff to take with us. Of course, being under stress, neither I nor your mother thought to ask for some really practical things, like towels, clean water, or a change of clothes for me. Your mother was so nervous that they were going to turn on us, and I was practically in a daze, so your mother marshalled the troops (including me) and we got out of there as fast as we could go._

_I still can't believe how automatic it was for me to bite John and Chepaā. I knew they were good people, and I didn't want to leave the baby without a family, but to be honest I didn't need much convincing. The instinct to preserve life was overwhelming. I have a new appreciation and sympathy for Carlisle._

_I used to resent him for biting me. I'm going to have to talk to him about it someday, when the timing is right._

_Yeah. I kinda had a nervous breakdown after we set up camp. Your mother set me straight per usual. She says God still loves me, and is blessing this venture. She reminded me of Roman:8 and there's nothing I could protest after that. Your mother is right. She's always right._

_Being a sappy date, I'm not really brilliant at absorbing what she has to say, so when bad stuff happens I seem to end up reverting to negative thinking and get myself all stressed out. I wonder if it's part of the way my brain is constructed now -getting stuck on certain ideas and behaviour- or if it's how I always was. My childhood was pretty sheltered, so I guess I'll never know what my original tendencies were. _

_So, I'm a little worried that God's mad at me for displaying a remarkable amount of hubris, but Bella says He still loves me and to have faith. And since everything has been going so well, I plan to adhere to that plan. Anyway, I'm trying to form habits of positive thinking. It's slow, but I think I'm making progress._

_Biting John was difficult. He really was a temptation. And, you know, I knew him beforehand. I can't imagine what it was like for Carlisle, biting all of us without killing us, when he didn't even know some of us first. Everything he did was out of a desire to save, and expand his family. Well, my failure to drain John dry was just based on guilt, to be honest. I couldn't break his faith in me. Nor could I break it by allowing him to die._

_Chepaā? No temptation in her blood whatever. That's a big relief, where your mother is concerned._

_These women, bearing hybrid children, become close enough to vampires themselves that their blood is not attractive to the sire. So it's another one of those things designed by God to preserve the mother's life. No temptation to kill, whatsoever. The hybrid blood is, in fact, horribly bitter. Deterring._

_Chirica had her baby this morning. She's asleep now. _

_Bella and I are babysitting two infants. Chepaā's baby girl is much larger than Chirica's son. I have a feeling it's because Chepaā, being 16, was much better equipped to grow a baby than Chirica was. Chirica would still have been growing, herself. It would have been very hard for her body to sustain a pregnancy. It makes me sick to think of that scumbag touching a young girl that way._

_Chirica, despite being a child herself, loves her baby, whom she has named Duquitu, or Luke. She has been a lovely little mother to everyone here. A born nurturer. I wonder what will happen to her now. She has hybrid characteristics, like your mother, but she has not fallen into the burning like I thought she would after giving birth. I'm waiting to see what happens to her, so I will know how to care for your mother._

_Chepaā was not predisposed to love her baby, but I hope she will feel better about the wee thing when she wakes from the change. The baby can't help it that her father is scum, after all. Anyhow, when the mother wakes up and can think straight, maybe she'll give the baby a chance. _

_For now, we've named her Maricuta. She's chubby and she has six chins and she's very pretty for a newborn infant. She has caramel-coloured skin and a dusting of caramel hair almost like peach fuzz. Her eyes are black, like any human newborn's. She has long fingers and tiny feet._

_Duquitu is quite different. He does not fill one of my hands, and I suspect he weighs about four pounds. I don't think he's more than a foot long. He has very fluffy dark hair and black eyes, and the cutest nose you ever saw._

_Your mother is holding both babies right now, one under each side of her chin, so I can write. She's singing lullabies to them. Badly._

_I love your mother. She's adorable._

_So far, encouragingly, the babies are just babies like any other. I had to push out their egg teeth so they couldn't harm anyone. Except, they do have venom and it stings. Yeah, the girl bit me, and the boy (when he nurses from his mother) drools venom everywhere._

_We definitely have to keep these babies from humans for a while. I hope we don't have to keep you away from Charlie and Sue. Hah. Probably be safe for him to hold you after you've been fed._

_I just hope Chepaā continues to produce whatever it is that's passing for milk, after she's done changing. God help us if there's nothing available for you babies to eat. You might turn your little black eyes toward snacking on humans, which would be a disaster. If we can keep all of you from doing that (as I assume we can) then the Volturi will likely tolerate everybody's existence. That's what I'm praying for, anyway._

_Your mother has invited me to go off and find some fresh water and bathe. I'll do the laundry while I'm at it. We have improvised diapers out of bits of clothing, and we're running out so I'd best get a move on._

_Love you, Tigger. It's been fun, babysitting this morning, just imagining what it's going to be like to have my own kid to look after._

_Oh, now I'm laughing. Duquitu just burped. You wouldn't believe how loud it was. Your mother is rocking with glee._

_Red eyes can shine with joy. We haven't had many happy newborns in this family (what pertains to hybrids is all conjecture so I'm going to say they are the same as newborns). Certainly, I was unhappy. I guess, next to your mother, Emmett's the closest to a happy one that I've met._

_Emmett would love this kid. There's a bittersweet thought._

_So we didn't expect to have full arms yet. We expected to have to wait for you. But don't be jealous sweetheart. You fill our every thought. We can't wait to be holding you in our arms. These little ones only need us temporarily._

_How the heck did I end up in charge of a coven, where I don't even speak the language properly? Well, I'm still trying to work out how the heck I became a sire._

_Don't answer that! I can just hear Em in my head: 'Well, first, Edward, you find a nice human to bite. Then, you chomp into their artery and inject a whole lot of nice, painful venom. Stir, and set aside to marinate. Wait three days and remove from bondage. Don't forget, you have to keep an eye on them. Remember the Wolfpire? Sorry bro. Hey! Bella! Are you glad you let him touch you now? Don't do anything you'll regret forever when that kid decides to come out. You might want that part of my brother to work again someday.'_

_Yeah, I don't know whether to laugh or strangle him sometimes._

_Considering what a shock of a day it's been, I feel pretty good. Mentally tired, though. I could use some alone time with Mom, which does not look promising at this moment. Maybe when the kids are asleep..._

_Yeah, yeah. I know. TMI._

_Hey, I'm waiting to see you, with a supply of endless hugs. So don't take too long to get here, okay?_

_Hah. Funny. Two years ago, the passage of time meant nothing to me. Mostly, I didn't even notice it. Now, days either fly or crawl. It's weird, but wonderful._

_Loving you, and waiting as patiently as I can to see you. I wonder how you'll smell. I mean when you're clean, cheeky!_

_Hugs and kisses,_

_Daddy_


	6. Chapter 6: Hypocrisy

**Chapter 6: Hypocrisy**

_Tuesday, August 29th, 2005,_

_Hello Precious,_

_You might be wondering why I didn't write to you yesterday. Well, there wasn't one spare minute to give. Not even to you._

_Yesterday ended up being a really tumultuous day. Started off great, and ended not so great. And today it has been nuts. It's been kind of mind-boggling to realize just how much happened._

_I've been thinking about different breeds of hypocrisy. Everybody hates it, right? Including me. Only I've carried my share of it just like everybody else. But I'm going to start guarding myself against it, because it really is an awful thing._

_You know who is never a hypocrite? Your Uncle Em. He showed up at the camp yesterday. Told me Alice sent him, first because I needed his help (or to quote him, his 'comic relief') and second, because Alice says there might be a baby down here for him and Rose. The chance of that is slim, but he's looking after those kids with no thought to his own benefit. Totally selfless._

_If you ever tell the big lug, I'll have to beat you, but I really love him. He never censors his thoughts, so he's easy to be around. And he's smart as a whip. Don't let that goofy exterior fool you, he's not a simp. He reads people really well. He knows what matters, and he's not afraid to say what needs to be said. Naturally, there's not a tactful bone in his body. He's very direct. Shockingly direct at times. But he takes care of people. It's who he is. He's practical, and he gets the job done._

_So if you want to emulate somebody, you could do worse than Uncle Em._

_You tell him I said that, you're grounded 'til your thirty. Oh, I already used that threat. Make it forty._

_Em's been helping us with the changelings and the babies. _

_Yeah, he let me and Bella spruce off for a while, which refreshed us. Almost straight off, unfortunately, we found the hybrid boy from your mother's dreams, and there was a tragic event. I'd rather not dwell on that tragedy. Suffice it to say, a little girl died, who shouldn't have. It was horrid._

_Your mother would want you to know that the little one did not suffer for long, and we saw her Home._

_Em looks great holding kids, actually. I really hope he gets his chance to be a dad. He's a natural. The babies here love him. Well, he's just a big kid himself, isn't he? So, Mari and Ducky, as Em calls the kinder, are now wearing Alice Special attire, which (blessedly) includes cloth diapers. They're looking pretty spiffy, waiting for their mothers to wake up._

_Yes, I ended up having to bite Chirica. She was in a bad state, but she looks normal now. It won't be long until the mothers wake up. I expect it will take John a little longer, since he was not a hybrid. Probably the burning will take two days for the girls, and three for him._

_At least I know your mother will only be burning for two days. I'm not sure I could endure three, knowing what kind of pain she'll be in. She doesn't want to be sedated, either. Says it doesn't help. And she wants to be able to communicate with me._

_I just hope the newborns will be happy with me when they wake up. Man, I have a new admiration for Carlisle. Talk about hypocrisy! There's mine. I held back my opinion when I woke up, because I didn't want to hurt his feelings, but I always resented him for making me what I am. I told you that. And now, I've turned three people without even flinching. And I let your mother help! I must be loony._

_Carlisle won't know me when we go back home._

_By the way, your mother and Em helped me turn Chirica. Just so you know. And they didn't flinch over it either. No hypocrisy there._

_I've also been thinking about religious hypocrisy. Promise me if you decide to be a Christian (and I hope you will), you won't be one of those people who uses the name and doesn't know anything about Christ. He was not a snob and he didn't alienate people by judging them. He loved everybody. And don't spout verses at people if you don't practise what you preach. In fact, don't preach. The best way to show off your Christianity is to let people watch you live an exemplary life. Your life is your testimony, see? No empty speeches!_

_Off my soap box. _

_So. The hybrid boy. He's back with us, having spent a brief spell with Aro. The great leader arrived yesterday, with Nahuel, Demetri and Felix in tow. Anyhow, Aro named the boy after me. Which I guess I understand but it's kind of dumb. I mean, your mother and I couldn't possibly keep him. He needs a lot of rehabilitation._

_Yeah, the hybrid's new name is Theofilo. Thank you, Aro (Read my sarcasm here). That's Portuguese for Theodore. Technically, both names mean 'he who loves God', but Aro very considerately warped the meaning to fit me. See, the British name is Edward. 'Ted' is their pet name, which of course comes from Theodore. But 'filhos' is the Portuguese word for 'son'. So Aro has basically named the poor little beggar 'son of Ted (Edward)'. _

_Edward, incidentally, means 'happy, prosperous guard', and Anthony means 'priceless'. Go figure. Maybe I'm finally going to live up to it. Wouldn't that be rich. My mother is laughing up there in Heaven right now, you know? My friend, Laurie, is too._

_Call me Ted and I'll spank you._

_Scratch that. Call me anything but 'Dad' and I'll spank you._

_I suppose you'd like to know the meaning of your own name, wouldn't you? Well, as you know, we made an amalgamation of Renee and Esme. Renee means 'reborn', or 'born again'. Esme means 'beloved', or 'esteemed'. Kinda nice, huh? We think so. And Carlie means 'freeman'. So I guess if we work that out, we could say your name means 'born again in love to freedom'. Is that cool, or what? And Mommy and I didn't even consider meanings when we picked your name. So that feels like angels whispered it to us._

_I'd better not leave your mother out. Bella, as you know, means 'beautiful'. Marie means 'blessed'. So your mother is beautiful and blessed, which is pretty flattering. _

_It's why I named Chepaã's daughter Maricuta, by the way. I knew your mother would put me through her chipper-shredder if I called the baby 'Bonita'. So I picked Mary (Marie) as the next best thing. And it's kind of a wish, for her to have a blessed life. She hasn't had the best start._

_I bet you wonder how I know the meanings of all these names. I read a name book once, just for curiosity. Now I tend to wonder if people are living up to their names. Poor saps. Like what if your name means 'war helmet' or 'dog'? Yeah, I'm laughing. The Quileute ought to name their sons Caleb._

_Aro brought little Theofilo back this morning, and the little dude went totally nuts when he saw me. I'm sad to say he's become attached, which is bad since Bella and I will be leaving for home in a few days. He needs parents, and he relates better to men than women. I'm scanning about, trying to see who can do the job. Alice says Em and Rose can't have him, he'd end up being a terror. Literally. So I need someone local._

_I have two guys in mind. First? Demetri. He's bonded with Chirica. She might, of course, kick him in the teeth when she wakes up. But he's such a nice fellow that I hope he'll be smart and woo her. Take it slow. Anyhow, she's a dilly of a mother and probably sassy enough to handle three new family members at once. But Demetri and Chirica might say 'no' to taking a feral toddler on._

_I'm already thinking of them as a couple. They haven't even met yet._

_The other guy I have my eye on to be Theofilo's Daddy is Nahuel. Man, is he super! I hope we get to meet his aunt. I always suspected there were a lot more vegetarians out there, and here we have two of them. I really want to hear their stories._

_I've asked Eleazar to bring Huilen down here once he's rescued Alice's relations from this upcoming hurricane in the Gulf of Mexico. It's supposed to hit today. We probably won't hear anything about it here, except for what Alice tells us. It's called 'Katrina'._

_Alice made Eleazar trek all the way out here, with his family, to help when the newborns wake up. Then, she told him he had to run straight back to help her fly her relatives out of Biloxi. And possibly get Renee out of Florida. Thank God he's got his own plane. So he's already gone, back over the border into Peru to pick up his plane at the international airport there._

_Alice didn't mention where she plans to keep all these people. I hope Esme's prepared for company. At present, she and Carlisle are down in Florida helping out after the first surge of the storm. They're possibly going home to Forks tomorrow._

_So it's been a full couple of days, and the newborns aren't even up yet. _

_Our little camp is coming along nicely. You should see our tree house. It's not a little square patch of floor, you know. The trees are immense. There are two trees sticking up through our house's floor. It has two bedrooms and a little storage area, and we've already got a bedroll to put on our floor. Feels so comfortable after roughing it in the tent. Pretty, too, because there's a bright red bromeliad right outside our 'window'. Inside it are a mess of itty-bitty green lizards. I'm not sure what kind they are, but they're sort of cute when they swim in the water that collects in the flower._

_Daddy's feeling a little mentally whacked right now, so I think I'll have a little quiet time before I go back down to the group. They're so ... noisy. It's strange hearing so many thoughts and voices at once, after spending time alone with your Mom. We haven't even had a radio, or TV, or the noise of city living here, so the contrast is a bit of a shock. Not that the Rainforest isn't noisy, mind. Because you wouldn't believe how loud bugs and birds and animals can be. Especially lemurs and howlers._

_Our houses are pretty much finished, including a couple for guests. So, now we see what happens when the kids wake up. Hopefully, there's a nice herd of something tasty nearby that's not endangered. We saw deer yesterday, but it's a long way back._

_Yeah, before we started our trek out here, I told everybody that I thought the female changelings might wake up on the trip, based on my experience with Esme, Rosalie and Em. But they're not up yet. I am both anticipating and fearing their rise to consciousness. _

_What if I'm just not a good leader? What if they don't accept me as dominant? I mean, Carlisle's not very domineering. He's sort of like... a solid pillar with roots that go down... miles deep. Yeah, I guess I'm more like him than my siblings are. _

_Maybe I can try to be like him. There's nobody as good as him, though. Nobody could ever replace him as leader of the family, and no-one would want to. I hope he's always with us. I never want to be without him._

_I think Chirica will be fine. She's a dilly of a girl, and meant to be one of us, according to Alice. And if she accepts Demetri's suit, she'll have an excellent source of support._

_Chepaã? I'm worried about her, I must admit. Her father is an excellent person, so he will be a great support to her. But she seems less resilient than Chirica. More damaged. Perhaps because she expected more of Caius, and had a more conventional understanding of what she should have gotten out of the relationship. In other words, she was more disappointed and hurt when he abandoned her than Chirica was._

_From her thoughts, I know she resisted and feared the changes in her body more than Chirica did. And it didn't occur to her to hunt animals for some months, so she was literally starving and going loony when we found her._

_So we found her, and she bit her father (which is traumatic) and I inflicted pain on her. No, she doesn't trust me, although she seems to have adopted your mother for her own. So, between Cuāā and your mother, maybe she'll be able to cope._

_We'll find out soon enough._

_I keep looking at Duquitu and Maricuta, and wondering what you're going to be like. Alice hasn't had any visions of you when you're a kid. Just a baby and a teen. I keep wondering about your eyes. The hybrids were born with 'black' eyes, like human babies. No pigment showing yet. Theofilo's eyes are burgundy shot through with blue. When he's not thirsty, they look almost purple. So I wonder if his eyes will turn blue on a different diet, or gold like a vegetarian's._

_I wonder, assuming you stick with your mother's milk for a while, what colour your eyes will turn out to be. Green, like mine were? Or grey, like my father's? Or brown like Bella's? Probably brown, because when one parent has brown eyes, it's normally the dominant gene. But some brown-eyed people who mate with green-eyed people (or grey or hazel) end up with blue-eyed offspring. It's the recessive gene. So I'm really wondering about that._

_We've been going like spit, constructing our little 'compound'. Oh, I don't like calling it that. Hmm. Our little community. Our ... colony. We need to get a lot done in a couple of days. Bella and I have to leave soon. So I have to start the clockwork going, before we spruce off. People are cooperating so well, that all is going smoothly. Knock on wood._

_Right now, I'm writing to you with the journal on one knee and your mother's head on the other. Yeah, she's napping. But I can't nap with her because there's so much to do. _

_Em's declared a ten minute 'coffee break'. Shame there's no coffee for our kind. Although I can only imagine what it would be like if we imbibed caffeine. Totally wired. Apparently, your Granddad Carlisle drinks (to quote Esme) 'endless cups of coffee' when he naps, and he gets pretty hyper. Yeah, Gram Esme says caffeine works on us. I've yet to see Carlisle napping though. Got to admit, that would be thoroughly amusing. _

_Just imagine Alice on caffeine. For some reason, I can see her being thoroughly addicted. Your Auntie Alice on caffeine would be bad._

_As soon as I get another break from house building, I'm going to go lie on my back in the tree house, and listen to the little forest creatures going about their daily routine. Watch our pet lizards or something. I've taken their pictures so I can look at them when we get home, and find out what type they are. I want to name them, just for fun._

_Maybe your mother will come up into the tree house and sleep with me._

_You'd better not be thinking what you're thinking. I did not mean it that way. Don't emulate Em in that area, please!_

_Your mother? She's shown great fortitude in the journey here. She pushes herself past reason. I just loved it when she asked me to carry her during parts of the trek. She's so lovely. I'm so proud of her. And you should see how the Denalis and Em look at her, like they've never seen her equal._

_You know what? Your mother has no equal._

_I hope you're just like her._

_Love,_

_Daddy_


	7. Chapter 7:  Bonds

Chapter 7: Bonds

_Wednesday, August 30th, 2005,_

_Dear Baby,_

_I'm a sappy date tonight. Thinking a lot about mate bonds. I guess it's because I'm lucky enough to know a lot of people whose mates mean a lot to them. It's not always the case amongst blood-drinkers._

_Of course I'm comparing everyone else to your mother and me. I over-think everything, you know. Yes, I waited for your mother for 102 years, 3 months, 8 days, 3 hours and 56 minutes. And chump change. Of course, I didn't admit I was looking. Eventually, I didn't even admit to myself that I was looking._

_You might wonder whether it was love at first sight. Well, she certainly captured my attention. I couldn't hear her. That's never happened before, and likely will never happen again, unless you're also born a Shield._

_I'm so mean. I won't tell her what her talent is. Well, it's only a guess. Eleazar thinks that's how it will turn out. He thinks your mother blocks any mental -ahem- intrusion upon her person. We'll have to wait and see. I don't want to get her all excited and then have it fail to turn out. Sadly, Eleazar did not get to witness our shared talent before he had to leave. Maybe next time._

_In the name of all that's holy, am I digressing again? Were I not a mind-reader, I might surmise that digressing is my talent. Back to the story._

_So, there she was, warm and beautiful, and (verbally) expressing some of the only kind thoughts in the room (Mom's friend Angela Weber is another notably kind person, just so you know). And because I couldn't hear Bella's thoughts, I paid attention to her. _

_I found out she was selfless, intelligent, and kind, and had common sense, unlike a lot of people at that school. So, I already had my eye on her, as reluctant as I would have been to admit it. Of course, I didn't really recognize it, because to use your mother's expression, I was a goober. That's a socially inept person, in case you don't know._

_Then, my thirst for her almost ruined everything. It was unbearable. Everything could have ended so badly, and didn't. There's Providence for you. Yeah, your mother sat down at my science lab table, and that was it. _

_It seemed she was attracted to me, too. Who would have thought?_

_Despite a lot of struggles and -on my part- idiocy, here we are. I think the mate bond fully kicked in the day she she said she loved me in her sleep. Shut up. I am not a stalker. I just felt ... very protective of her. And I had to sort out why. One little, "Edward, I love you", and, Wham! Edward Cullen was a goner. I fought it every step of the way, too. For her sake. I misguidedly thought she required rescuing from me, when in actuality, I needed her to rescue me. Mostly from myself._

_She has, you know. Rescued me from myself._

_So let's compare: Carlisle and Esme. He waited for her a lot longer than I waited for your mother, although nobody seems to notice that when they're cracking virgin jokes about me. Yeah, "TMI again, Dad," I know._

_Oh, and I don't care if it's out of style. There's something special about saving yourself for your spouse._

_Anyhow, Carlisle Cullen: born circa 1640, turned circa 1664, did not meet Esme until 1915, when she fell out of a tree into my father's life. And he didn't pursue her, because she was just a kid with a life ahead of her. Not the best life, it turns out. And he was there to pick up the pieces in 1921, crumbling his heart to bits in the process. And if you think your mother and I had issues to resolve to make our relationship work, we've got nothing on those two. But, like I said, there's nobody who can compare to Carlisle. _

_Um, Charles Evanston? He's lucky he died before Carlisle caught up with him. Carlisle is the model for compassion. But I think he'd have wiped that man off the planet without even stopping to consider consequences first. Because of what Evanston did to Esme. Because the mate bond is primal. You will do anything, risk anything, to protect your mate._

_Carlisle was so compassionate and kind to your Gram, that she couldn't help but fall for him. And she practically had to club him over the head to get him past his sense of propriety, too. Sappy date. Well, they certainly got past that, trust me._

_You definitely don't want to know. All she has to do is call him 'Dr Teeth', and all of us go running. Be warned._

_Let's move on. Next? Em and Rose. They have an interesting dynamic. She's highly independent and stubborn. No way could I be married to her. But he sees past her hard shell and extracts the soft bits that most of us don't get to see very often. She's cranky, she's mouthy, and sometimes she smacks him around. And I'd be upset if your mother treated me that way. But, since it doesn't hurt his hide or his pride, Em pretty much ignores it. He doesn't take it seriously. _

_Usually, if Rose smacks him upside the head, his initial reaction is to think 'whoops, I really crossed the line. How can I fix it?'. So, she's good for him. I don't know another female who would see, and admire, his virtues as much. And he certainly recognizes hers. Treats her like a queen. Yeah, they can be very affectionate with each other. Nauseatingly affectionate. You'll see._

_Hmm. Alice and Jazz. He was the first thing she Saw when she woke up from the change in 1921. Then, she searched for him until 1948. Twenty-seven years of searching. But at least she always knew there was someone out there for her. I'm surprised she's agnostic, really, because her visions of him, and of the Cullens, really saved her from going down dark paths. That's Providence, if you ask me. Then again, she remembers nothing of her human life. Not how she lived, nothing of her family, and none of her habits or values. Perhaps that's a blessing, though. It couldn't have been a happy life._

_They're closer to each other than any other couple I've met. It's almost like they read each others' minds. Of course, they can't do that, so they do the next best thing: They communicate. Really, really well. They are always respectful of each other. They've taught me a lot. Each always puts their partner first, which is the path to true happiness in marriage. _

_You know, it's a risk, communicating your thoughts to your spouse. You might be rejected. But they don't reject each other. It's... inspiring. Yeah, I really admire them, as a couple. So, it was a big compliment when Jazz told me he thought your mother and I have a relationship very like his._

_I've been so lucky to live with people who could teach me so much about making a partner happy. Even if there is TMI sometimes. And I've been really fortunate to grow up (I use the term loosely) amongst a group of really diverse personalities, who all have taught me stuff that has come to shape my own life. Even Rose. She and I used to irritate each other. I think we're past that, now. I just want her to be happy. I wish she could have the things that would make her so. And if she can't have them, I hope she becomes content._

_You know, the things we beg God for aren't always what is best for us. And sometimes, they are, but the timing is wrong. That's why we need faith._

_Since meeting your mother, I've seen other interesting mate bonds. For example, Aro and Sulpicia. I'd never have thought a blood-drinker could love his mate so much. Of course, he's an extremely affectionate person and really has a thing for romance. _

_Aro is Darcy's friend Bingley, and Sulpicia is his Jane. She fits the perfect concept of a mate, say, 4000 years ago. That is to say, she's graceful, ladylike, and compliant. She's willowy, and blond, and walks about with her hands folded demurely on her skirt. She plays hammer dulcimer beautifully, does fine needlework, recites poetry to him, and has been known to dance for an audience of a select few._

_Marcus is cut from the same cloth as his younger brother, with the tragic exception that his mate was murdered. By their slimy brother-in-law, Caius. Of course, nobody knew that until I heard his thoughts. I wonder where he's hiding out._

_Back to Marcus. He used to be such a happy person. I've seen him atop his horse, clad all in Roman armour. They weren't even kings, then. He came home from a battle over territory, and Didyme flung herself at him. He lifted her right over his head, laughing. Her black hair was just like Aro's. They were very alike. Almost like twins. Anyhow, when Marcus lifted her, she just about fell out of her toga. He turned her about, and sat her on the horse in front of him (poor horse!), and they just looked ... so complete. Poor beggar. He's so important, nobody will let him die. I totally relate. He's just a shell. Doesn't care about anything. All he ever does is play over the past in his head. So that's the downside of being what we are. It can be devastatingly lonely. I hope you never experience that._

_Demetri has found Chirica, so I get to look at a new, developing mate bond. Nosey me. Anyhow, he's totally head over heels for her, and she's a little bemused, but not repulsed. She's tolerating him extremely well, all things considered. He's agreed that he should be her friend first, and she's responding just as he'd like. So hopefully, they'll evolve into a bonded pair._

_Felix opened up about Arduino. Let me tell you off the get-go that their bond is no different from a straight couple's. Arduino is an interesting fellow. Very graceful. He sort of drifts. And he's thoughtful and daydreams. Felix says he's little, but come on, we're talking about Felix. He's 7 feet tall, for crying out loud. Everyone looks little to him. I'd say Arduino has to be about 5'10". And Felix says he looks a bit like Jazz, but he's wrong. Arduino looks like David Bowie looked in about 1969. All long hair and man-dresses. Renee would adore him. Charlie? Pfft. And I can't wait to see my brothers' reactions._

_Anyway, Felix and Arduino have been together a while. Arduino (with a lot less hair, mind) was caught flirting with another gay guy in the army, and they were Court Martialled and lined up for execution. The one poor guy was shot, and Felix swooped down and rescued Arduino before he could be killed. They've been together ever since._

_All different mate bonds, and all genuine. And that's kind of encouraging. I wonder who will be your soul mate? I hope I won't want to kill him. But I probably will. Because I am your Dad. And I'll be scrutinizing every move your so-called soul mate makes around you._

_So you'd better pick a good mate. Got it?_

_Love you,_

_Daddy_


	8. Chapter 8:  A Motley Crew

**Chapter 8: A Motley Crew**

**Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended.**

_Friday, September 2nd , 2005,_

_Hello My Sweet,_

_I am, for some ridiculous reason, wanting to quote from a truly abysmal cartoon that was on TV about forty years ago. Why I wish to do it is beyond me. But I can't resist:_

"_Another chapter in the continuing story of a quack who's gone to the dogs"._

_ (Underdog)_

_Yeah. I'm the quack._

_In case you don't know, 'quack' is an antiquated expression describing an unskilled doctor. And I am, at this point, a quack. I really do need to update my medical training if I'm going to help the people down here. _

_That's just what your mother wants me to do, while she gets her English Lit Degree at Dartmouth. _

_I couldn't be happier. Em says Mom and I can live with him and Rose while we're waiting for you, and by the looks of things, we might just be back at school after Christmas to show you off to the students and profs. Based on Duquitu's reaction to his grandfather, Arube, I don't think we have to worry about hybrid babies, who have been raised to eat animals, turning around and eating anybody sentient._

_We're going to college !_

_That sounds so normal._

_Just think, we might still have some human friends for a year or two. Your mother can have a normal pregnancy, out and about in Hanover, without attracting overmuch notice. She'll do all the college things she should: parties, and outings with friends, and some extra-curricular stuff maybe... a Baby Shower? _

_Because I'm a brat (Kaure, Emmett and Mom all say so) I have a fun idea up my sleeve. I hope your Mom will go along with it. I think she will. I want us to have matching pregnancy t-shirts. Hundreds of them. With jokes on them, like the pair Alice provided for us to wear to Reneé's. _

_Oh, you don't know how excited I am about college. We filled out our applications in the spring, and I submitted them. Don't tell Mom I said this, but she fought me tooth and nail. I actually thought she might get hold of her infamous chipper-shredder and do away with me._

_After we got accepted to Dartmouth, I insisted that your Mom pick courses. She wasn't thrilled with me about that either at the time. But now she wants to go. _

_I refrained from saying 'I told you so', but she knows I wanted to. She didn't get cranky about it either. How great is that!_

_So, we're almost done with our honeymoon, and we actually think we might get more alone time in Forks than we've gotten here. Sheesh! There always seems to be some decision-making, or entertaining, or work, or whatever, to do here. Getting bored would be absolutely impossible, but getting our priorities mixed up is much too easy to do. Luckily, my helpers have all been bound and determined to let us have some alone time. _

_Today, we leave the camp. In Em's capable hands. And tonight? Ssshh! I hope your mother doesn't read this ! I've booked us into a really swanky hotel._

_I know, I know. TMI again. Holy, I hope I'm not starting to sound like Emmett._

_Actually, I DO hope I'm starting to sound like Emmett. Yeah, I'm snickering right now. Nobody will know me when we go home. I'm gonna scare the pants off them all, just for fun._

_I'm going to have fun._

_With your Mom!!_

_As much as possible. In every way we can dream up. Hah!_

_I've never been excited about school before. There's never been existent potential to have a job afterward, and it has always seemed so pointless. But I think the rainforest, because it needs to be preserved for the oxygenation of the planet, is going to be around for as long as me and Mom. And you. So, assuming there are humans to live in it, who believe in us but won't harm us, we are all going to be USEFUL._

_I could just cry for joy._

_Maybe later. I'm not done being hyper yet._

_So. We're leaving soon. All packed and ready. The troops have been instructed by the General (that's me, according to Marcus) how to run the family. And what a family! Holy cow. How did I end up with this thing? Oh. I didn't plan it. And perhaps it's better to fly by the seat of my pants. Carlisle did, and it hasn't been too bad for him. In fact, he says he enjoys being the Dom of the Olympic Coven. _

_Do you believe it: he says he enjoyed raising me, even when I was difficult. How great is that! He really loves me. I love him too, in case you're wondering. But I doubt you will. I think you'll see it. I intend to show him. I intend to fix the hurts I've given him over the years, and we are going to be as close as close can be, just like he envisioned when he adopted me._

_It's not that I haven't always loved him, because I have. It's just that I had issues that he wanted to help me solve, and he couldn't. Only Bella could help me. Bella, and my Guardian Angel, that is. Yeah, I have one. She's female, but she isn't allowed to tell me who she is. That's all I'm going to tell you. It's private._

_Am I digressing again? Hah. You may as well get used to it. Probably drive you crazy. Now I'm digressing about me annoying you. How annoying is that!_

_So. My family. Marcus calls it 'a rag-tag American melting pot of a coven'. Is it ever! You wouldn't credit it of me, would you? Oh, how would you know! You never met the 'old' me._

_You can roll your eyes now._

_My coven consists of the following: Christians, pagans, an agnostic, a couple of atheists, straights, gays, monogamists, succubi and incubuses ( oh, and technically some of the Ticuna are polygamists so we may run into complications from that someday, too. I've met vampires who are not monogamous, but I've never met one that keeps more than one wife or husband. We're territorial. And jealous types. Not that you won't have noticed that by now). _

_Varied religions and sexual preferences don't even begin to cover the diversity here. We have Peruvians, Ticuna, Amazonas, Italians (you might also say Romans), and Americans. Just think if we ever ally ourselves with the wolves. Oh, we're going to be related to Seth and Leah. _Feito_. (I trust you will speak Brazilian Portuguese as we're gonna be spending a lot of time here, so I won't translate that). Then we have the Cullens, who are as diverse a bunch as you'd ever see. Holy crow! Good thing covens follow a leader or we'd never get anything accomplished._

_One more word: Pegasus. There's a happy thought. I just have to say it! I admire Corvo._

_We are going to get stuff done for these people. We're going to rescue some kids who are vulnerable. We're going to provide care for the Ticuna without destroying their lifestyle. And we're going to do it happily._

_So, my darling, I spent all of last night beside the campfire, talking to our allies and our coven members, all of whom are now considered family, about how to function as a family. There will be glitches, but all in all, I feel really confident that my helpers will maintain control while I take care of you and Mom._

_I'm going to make Bella the center of the universe tonight. That's how it should be. I hope you'll understand if I tell you that I really hope you can't read minds. You really don't want to know. Trust me._

_I apologize once again, in advance, for being really, really seventeen. You know I love you, even if I will embarrass the you-know-what out of you (probably in front of your friends)._

_In case I haven't mentioned it, your mother is really showing now. I can feel you move, although I can't hear you think. Yeah, I can hear the babies here, and I heard them before they were born. But I imagine you're too little yet, so I just have to keep being patient._

_Six weeks and two days since you came to be. So, we're through the first trimester. Seventy-nine days left until I help your mother bring you into this world. Approximately eighty-one days until your mother becomes like me. That day, I get to present you to her. She loves you so much._

_I'm counting the minutes._

_Love and kisses,_

_Daddy_


	9. Chapter 9: Ren's Lullaby

**Chapter 9: Ren's Lullaby**

**a/n: Ren's Lullaby is copyrighted to Jess Molly. Don't steal or Edward will eat you. That said, I'd love it if you were to come and play in my sandbox. I've recorded this a capella. Do you play guitar? Want to sing it for me, or with me? pm me, and we can jam and make a recording or three.  
**

**Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended. **

**Now pay attention:**

**Sol (s,) La (l,) Ti (t,) |Doh (d,) Re (r) Mi (m) Fa (f) Sol (s) La (l) Ti (t) Doh (d')| Re (r')**

**G A B |C D E F G A B C| D**

C6 means e-g-c

C4 means g-c-e (this one might be the wrong terminology. lmk)

C7 means c-e-g-b

C6/5 means e-g-b-c

C4/3 means g-b-c-e

(I have not tried to write down chords without benefit of staff paper in 15 years. And I don't play guitar. Be ye kind Lol ! )

**4/4 Time**

**ffnet won't let me put the notes under the words. These are your bars: |**

**Song picks up on the last 8th note of the first bar. Good luck with reading it. lol**

_Saturday, September 3rd,2005,_**  
**

_Darling Ren, I finished the words for your lullaby when we were on the plane back to Rio, and today, I sang it to the Pereiras and your Mom. I don't have any staff paper, so I'll have to write it down for you later, but I thought you'd like the words and melody. Love, Daddy_

_**Just |when I thought I'd be alone**_

_m | s s s m s l s_

_|C+_

_**a|nother thousand years,**_

_s | s f f f-m f_

_F6 |- - - F_

_**God |played one more colossal joke**_

_s | s s s s s l s_

_|C+_

_**and |took away my tears.**_

_s | s f f d, r_

_ |F+ G7_

_**The |brown-eyed doe danced in my door,**_

_s | s s s m s s-l s_

_|C+ - C7_

_**and |swept out all of my fears, **_

_m | s s s- l- t d'_

_** |C**6- - F+_

_**and |then**_

_d, |d,_

_ |F+_

_**and then...**_

_r r m| -s** - - -**_

_G+_

_**came| you.**_

_m | m-r-d**,- - -**_

_|C+_

_**(Chorus)**_

_**Now |I don't know if you'll be the lamb**_

_m | f f f r m f f f_

_ |F6 - G+  
_

_**Or the |lion running free,**_

_r m |f-m mm-r d,_

_ |C6_

_**You might |be the fox with the crazy tricks**_

_r m | f f f r m f s f_

_|F6 - -G7_

_**or you |might just be the queen**_

_r m | f f f-m r mrd,_

**_ \_**_C4/3 C_

_**or you |might just be...**_

_d, d, | r m s|- - -_

_ |G+ C6 G+_

_**the little brown| bird. **_

_t, t,t, t,-d,| d,_

**_-| _**_C+_

_**But |I don't care...|**_

_s |l d' r'- s |- - -_

_|F6 A- G7_

_**'Cause |all that really matters in the |end**_

_m | f f f- s fm d, l, d, | r- - -_

_ |F6 C4 G+_

_**Is the |doe put the apple in my| hand**_

_r m | f f s fm d l, d, | r- - -_

_ |F6 C4 G4/3_

_**and| you are the apple... **_

_m | f f s fmd - -_

_ |F+ C6_

_**in your |father's eye.||**_

_l. d, | r m-rd d,||_

_|G7 C+_

_**(Repeat from Chorus)**  
_


	10. Chapter 10: Fatherhood

**Chapter 10: Fatherhood**

**Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended. **

_Wednesday, September 7th, 2005,_

_Hello Sweet Pea,_

_Sorry I haven't written you in a few days, but I don't really think you want to know much about what I've been up to. Hah. I know, I know, TMI. Well, apparently I'm getting good at giving TMI. Just ask Granddad Carlisle. I knocked his socks off today, just for the fun of it._

_By the way, I've decided to call him 'Dad' from now on, because that's what he is and he deserves the respect of hearing it._

_I'm sitting at the breakfast bar in our new kitchen, writing this. If you're wondering why the ink has changed, it's because I now have my favourite fountain pen at my disposal. It feels really good in my hand. Funny how one gets attached to mundane objects._

_Before I unload my pent up words, let me tell you that you've now been percolating for 50 days. Your mother appears to be 16 weeks pregnant, based on human measurements, which means you are really starting to resemble a little person. And you're very active. Even Charlie and Sue can feel you moving around in there. And Mommy told me you were dancing on her cervix the other day. That's not nice. I told you to 'cuddit-out'. _

_You dance when I sing to you, and poke me when I call you 'Tigger'. I can't tell you how much I love that. Well, everybody loves it. You get a lot of laughs._

_Eleazar says you're talented, and he can't wait to meet you._

_Your mother is sound asleep. The past couple of days have been rather wearing, not that they've been bad days. There have been moments... well, lets just say I'll treasure them forever. As usual, there were a couple of bad apples somewhere in the barrel. The trick is to pick the rotten one out before it corrupts anything else._

_That must sound very cryptic and melancholy to you. Trust me, it's just the fall-out of my typical tendency to over-think things. And my nature really can exacerbate that, when there's a bee in my bonnet. Not sleeping gives me plenty of time to ponder. I had gotten pretty much completely away from it on our trip, but being back with other people, some of whom have difficult personalities, has brought it back with a vengeance._

_So... Saturday was our last day in Brazil. Before we left, Mom and I saw Gabriela and her family. Great family, the Pereiras. Then, we got a few hours to ourselves before flying up to Grandma Renée's. Thanks to Hurricane Katrina, a couple of dozen of Auntie Alice's relatives have been using Grandma's house as a stop-off on their way to the temporary refuge in Forks. The Kwoli Warriors have been helping them evacuate and get settled, and Eleazar has been airlifting people all over Creation._

_Funny, how we're all referring to them as 'The Brandons'. Since the line is feminine, there's not a Brandon amongst them, unless you count Auntie Alice's sister, Cynthia, whose maiden name was Brandon. Now, she's a Richards._

_There's not much I want to tell you about that situation, except that all of us have been happy to use our talents and resources to help people._

_I hope you get to meet Cynthia. She's 97, and rather eager to go and meet up with her vampire sweetheart, Albion ap Wellins, who's waiting for her in the Great Hereafter. However, she's a pretty tough little birdie, so I think she'll be hanging around for a bit. Certainly long enough to meet you, but hopefully long enough that you will be able to remember her, because Auntie Merrytwinkle is pretty special and I want you to know her._

_We've had a few sorta squicky experiences with certain individuals, and it's made me think a lot about family, and how I want to raise you. So, I'm going to give you some background info, just in case you need to understand the way things are, someday, and you're afraid to ask._

_As you know, I tend to journal so I can wrap my head around stuff. Yeah, yeah, quit making fun of me! You might be a chip off the old block, peanut._

_Hopefully, you won't think it a bad thing._

_We had a few rough moments with your Grandma. I hope you'll say 'what?' in response to reading that. I hope she'll change. Basically, your mother raised her. Renée is a kid in an adult's body. Sometimes that's fine. She's funny and the direct simplicity of her thoughts can be refreshing. But every once in a while she has a tantrum, and it's just not pretty. I've had to be very firm about setting limits for her, to keep our relationship respectful, and your mother is on board with that. She's agreed that we can't have a relationship with Grandma if she fails to treat us nicely._

_Alice says things won't be perfect, but they will be good enough that you will be able to know your Grandma, which is a good thing. So I'm feeling pretty satisfied with that._

_I think I've told you about Jacob before. Well, we've seen him now, and despite a few very bad moments things are looking up. His Dad, Billy, is a nice man. Very decent. He admits that for some years, he didn't discipline Jacob when he misbehaved, out of guilt over his wife's death. So now, he has to re-establish discipline. Now Jake's a nice kid, basically, but he's got a bad temper and he needs to learn how to control it. With fair, consistent discipline and a decent mentor or two, his life might not have become quite so messy._

_Confidentially, sometimes I wish Carlisle had shown me a little more tough love. I think he was afraid I'd just abandon him, not understanding how much he really loved me. I had a typical adolescent chip on my shoulder, which lasted far too long. The one that says, 'I'm so misunderstood. Nobody 'gets' me. I'm all alone'. Let me tell you, just because a parent doesn't seem to 'get' you, it doesn't mean that's the case (although Carlisle admits he didn't 'get' me). It also doesn't mean your parents don't love you._

_So what have I shown you so far? A parent who refused to accept adult responsibilities, and a parent who chose not to enforce rules (talking about Billy, not Carlisle). Both parents love their kids, trust me. But they didn't parent effectively._

_And then, there's another kind of parenting. The kind that squashes the spirit out of a kid. _

_Today, one of Bella's friends came to our housewarming (unexpectedly, and we were kind of put on the spot, trying to keep you safe from prying human minds) in the company of her mother, who is a real control freak if you ever saw one. This woman (who made Carlisle think a word I haven't Heard from him before) does not seem to want her daughter to be more successful than she is. It boggles the mind, really. Made Mom and me sad. _

_See, the girl is really bright, and she got a scholarship to Washington State, and her parents made her turn it down. They don't feel she needs to broaden her mind. They want her to work a job, rather than have a career, and they want her to get married. Oh, not to marry 'young' like Bella and I did, but within a few years from now. _

_When she decided it was time to leave, this woman snapped her fingers to summon her daughter as though she was a dog. It was appalling. What a bully!_

_Be assured that we will help you reach your goals, no matter what they may be._

_Yeah, Bella and I really would like to help this girl, but we're a little stymied as to how to do it. I mean, she dutifully canceled her plans for school on her parents' orders. She's always been a follower. Until she takes charge of her own life, it's difficult to know how to help her. Bella's under the impression that if we anonymously provide enough cash to make her independent, the parents will somehow get control of it. It's frustrating, and even though this girl has sometimes been a bit of a pain, we can totally see why._

_So. We will guide you. We won't force you into anything. Which brings up another point. One I'm completely freaked out about writing down, so if the penmanship is a little shaky, you know it's because of that. Uh, writing it down makes it more 'real'. That's the only explanation I can give for my anxiety._

_I really can't believe I'm going to put it on paper. But I have to set it down somewhere, and I'm trusting that you will be the only one to read this journal._

_Mommy and Granddad were pretty freaked out today, because I reacted negatively when this nasty woman compared me to a picture that was supposedly of my father (really, it was me, taken back in the 70's). The battleaxe said 'the apple doesn't fall far from the tree', and I've got to admit that idea really hit me hard, considering Bella and I have recently been discussing the way I was raised._

_Mom and Granddad think my father was abusive. Like, on a regular basis. And it might be wishful thinking, but I don't believe he was, except for the one time, which turned into a huge tragedy. Well, it was tragic in that a whole lot of bad things happened, starting with my catching the influenza when I went to get my cuts treated. I mean, they died. And I ended up transformed, and at one point I rebelled, to the detriment of a lot of people. But eventually, it led me to your mother, and you were created. So everything works together for good, even if we don't see it at the time. And I'm not saying their illness was a Godsend. Far from it. They didn't deserve it. What I'm trying to say is God took something bad, and eventually brought something good out of it._

_For the record, my parents were strict, and very opinionated as to what constituted moral behaviour, and I was a scamp, but they never were arbitrary about thwarting any goal of mine, and they were generally very loving. They both talked to me like I was an adult, and they never were stingy with their time, or attention. I remember wonderful discussions around the dinner table every night, and rides on Father's shoulders when I was little, and that he played Tin Soldiers with me, and that he took me all kinds of places with great enjoyment. In fact, when I look for him in my fuzzy jar of memories, he's usually either looking proud, or he's laughing._

_He gave me a beating. Not with a hand, with a belt. Yeah, I know he did it. I know.  But I don't know why. I can't reconcile the two images of him in my head._

_I don't want to know why. I must have done something that he considered horrid. I know I could be highly exasperating, but I don't remember being bad. And the truth is, I don't think I did anything to warrant that. I would have brought any nasty traits forward into this existence, and I just can't see a nasty streak being expunged with venom. It doesn't happen._

_I've been examining myself for years, and my soul isn't any blacker than that of anybody else. Like I said, Mom was right about me, and hanging onto the idea that I was bad, without evidence, would just be self-destructive._

_If I did something evil, I don't want to know. And if I did something he considered morally abhorrent, which is the only thing I can think, then perhaps his response was over-the-top. Perhaps it was something considered bad by a repressive culture which is now virtually extinct._

_Yeah, I can be exasperating. I've made Carlisle lose his cool enough times to know that. I mean, making Dad lose his temper is a real feat, trust me. Not to mention your Mom. Hah. At times, they've both been really fed up with me. I'm assuming I'm at least a bit more exasperatingly stubborn, and bratty, now than I was as a child, since traits tend to intensify. And in this day and age, people are much more emotionally intelligent than they were back in my day. People have skills now, to recognize and solve problems, that were not available back then._

_Between you, me and the fencepost, Carlisle's society was in some ways more emotionally intelligent than mine, Jasper's or Em's. At least the men Carlisle grew up with weren't taught that the sense of touch was linked to the Devil and ought to be eradicated from the human body._

_That's not what I'm trying to get at. Cut it out! I'm talking about something else._

_I once asked Em and Jasper, during one of our frequent discussions about life Pre-Transformation, whether either one of them could remember their father. Jasper remembers very little, of course, but Em recalls quite a bit. So I asked whether they could remember if their father had ever kissed them. The answer was 'no'. They said showing affection like that just wasn't done. Well, I can't remember my father ever doing anything more demonstrative than shaking my hand. I can't remember him ever saying he loved me, although I know he did._

_Later, I asked Carlisle the same question. "Oh, yes," he beamed. "I can remember my father sitting by the fire, tickling the perdition out of me whilst he minded the stew pot on the hook. I was quite small, and he always surprised me after giving me a fierce look, by jest. He was generally a frightening man, and determined that I should not disappoint the memory of my mother by being less than perfect, and yet a tender moment such as this would overtake him, when I was reciting my verses. I can mind him gathering me up, squealing, in his arms, and kissing me, and then, he would tell me he didn't know what he would do without me, to keep alive the light, that was Amelia, in the world."_

_Do you see what I mean? Does that not bring a lump to your throat? And Dad describes his father as a Fire and Brimstone, demon-hunting fanatic. That proves to me beyond anything else that people have things inside them that are hidden (if only circumstance allows the discovery), and sometimes those things are very endearing. _

_That's what I want you to remember about Edward Masen Sr, okay? Not his mistakes or weaknesses, or the fact that he beat me badly, one time, but rather, how much fun he could be._

_Both your mother and I have some worrisome elements to our backgrounds, that could have made us really bad parents. And a small thing happened, that I want to talk to Carlisle about, which hopefully he won't dismiss as -I quote- bollocks._

_I know damn-well that I'm bossy. Well, something happened on our honeymoon that left me kind of uneasy about my parenting ability. But I'm sure Dad will mentor me, and keep me accountable._

_When we found the hybrid toddler, that Aro named 'Theofilo', he was killing somebody and I couldn't get him to stop. He was feral, unable to talk or think at the level of a normal child, and I couldn't figure out what to do. My communication skills failed. So I hit him. That scares me._

_Deuteronomy 5:9: "I the LORD thy God am a jealous God, visiting the iniquity of the fathers upon the children unto the third and fourth generation of them that hate Me"_

_The idea that I could perpetuate a cycle of abuse, or that Bella could perpetuate a cycle of neglect, scares the ever-loving venom out of me, okay? Not that I could ever imagine your mother being like that. She nurtures everything she touches. No, it's not her I'm worried about. It's me._

_But most people fail to read the next line, verse 10: "And shewing mercy unto thousands of them that love Me and keep My commandments."_

_So let's just say I'm begging for mercy, yeah?_

_I don't know where I'd be today without Carlisle. He claimed me, he kept me, he taught me by example, and he has loved me at times when I have simply been a bear to live with. Eventually, he found out how to parent effectively, and he's been doing a spiffy job of making sure I know how much he loves me. _

_So, Dearest, I'm not going to be like the bad side of Father. I'm not going to bend you to conform to what society considers 'normal', and I'm not going to judge you when you fail. And I'm not going to use aggression to manage you._

_I want to be like both my fathers, in that I want to take an active role in your life, and spend time learning about you and your interests, and playing with you, and being proud of your successes. But even more than that, I want to be like my Dad: Carlisle Cullen._

_I want to love you unconditionally. I want to give you my affection. I want you to know that any temporary separations we may have during the course of our lives will be hard to bear. And I want you to know I love you. I want you to see me be demonstrative, not just with you, but with lots of people._

_Love is a verb, and I intend to show (and tell) you that I love you, every day for the rest of my life._

_Hugs, kisses, tickles, and words,_

_Daddy_


	11. Chapter 11: You Look Like Us

**Chapter 11: You Look Like Us**

_**Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended. Any resemblance to persons living or dead is merely coincidental.**_

_Tuesday, September 14th, 2005,_

_From now on, when I write 'Hello, Baby', I'm certain I'll get a lump in my throat._

_Hello, Baby,_

_Mommy and I saw you today, for the first time._

_I wouldn't let myself get excited before we went. Thanks to Chirica and Chepãa, we know you live inside sort of an egg shell. We thought maybe it would be impenetrable to ultrasound. However, the amniotic sac you're living in appears only to harden when it touches air, sort of like a bird's egg. You know, when a chicken lays an egg, it's shell is soft until it hits the air, and then it hardens. Well, that's what you're living in, apparently, because when Carlisle put the probe on Mommy's tummy, there you were. And we're all more in love with you than ever._

_You proved to us immediately that you were a girl. Don't tell me I'm being gross. Stop being embarrassed. I mean, everybody's going to be changing your diapers. Hah. Especially Uncle Em. He lost a bet with me and your Mom, and now he has to change all your diapers for the first week. I really hope they're all sticky and black._

_So, things are marching along nicely, and a lot of my anxiety about your health is gone. Carlisle says you're perfect, and your development is equal to 23 weeks gestation. Your mother says you look like a little baby doll. She's right. You're 11 inches long, and weigh at least a pound, and you look just like a baby. Duh, that sounds dumb, doesn't it! You are a baby._

_Carlisle told me, through his thoughts, that if something terrible happened (God forbid), you would now have a good chance at survival. Every day that passes, now, the chance of you surviving being born early increases by 4%. That is not an invitation. I know I've told you I'm excited to see you, but all in due time, understand? You stay in Mommy's nice cozy belly until you're due. I know I would, if I had the option._

_Yeah, yeah. TMI, blah blah blah._

_Auntie Alice still says to expect you on November 20th. I never bet against Alice._

_Honestly, you are the prettiest baby I ever saw. You already have your mother's heart-shaped face, and generous mouth. Poor baby, you have my nose. Well, at least you didn't get this jaw, right? Count your blessings! When we first saw you, you were sucking your thumb. Actually sucking it! And people think unborn babies aren't really people? They obviously never saw a 3-D ultrasound. You use your hands a lot. Carlisle says you'll run your hands up and down the umbilicus. We saw you rub your face, and seek your thumb to stick it in your mouth, and touch your leg. Of course your eyes are shut, but when I spoke to you, you turned your head right toward me, because your hearing is very good. By the way, you still won't answer to anything but 'Tigger'. And to my satisfaction, you only respond to me! I'll have you know that's extremely gratifying. Also, you kicked the probe a couple of times, and reached out with your fist to push on it. It was weird, seeing you reach for it on camera, and seeing Mom's tummy jut out in the same spot. It really brings home the fact that you are REALLY THERE. My little person. You already have a personality, and you haven't experienced anything in the world yet._

_I wonder when I will Hear you._

_Perhaps your mother's shield will keep me out._

_Sometimes, I'll admit, I'm really frustrated with that shield. And you know what? Grandpa Charlie can keep me out, too (although not as thoroughly as your Mom does) BUT he also can let me in. I wish there was a way for him to teach Mommy to do that._

_In case you're wondering how on earth we contrived to get into the hospital to do the ultrasound, when nobody is supposed to see Mommy, or know she's pregnant, happy circumstances worked in our favour. Granddad calls that Providence, just so you know. Turns out that Grandpa Charlie and Granny Sue are going to have a baby. So, she went in for her first ultrasound (they are normally given at eight weeks when the mother is older), and all of us conveniently tagged along. So, Bella, Leah and Seth will be getting a baby brother, likely sometime next May._

_Your mother went in on the pretense of watching Sue's ultrasound, and Carlisle did one on her as well. Man, were we all soggy! Two new babies on the way, for us to love. How great is that!_

_We've been tying up loose ends here, in preparation of leaving for Dartmouth tomorrow. Uncle Em and Auntie Rose are already there, setting up the house. Uncle Jazz and Auntie Alice left tonight for Cornell. I know Granddad Carlisle is having a hard time with our departures. I'm sure he and Gram are going to feel like two peas rattling around in a can, being in the huge house all by themselves. But I promised him that I'll call every day._

_Gonna be strange for me, not living under his roof. I hope I'm a good leader. I hope this works out well. Titch says everything will be ducky, but you know how I fret._

_Yesterday, we had a birthday party for your Mom at Charlie's place, and I gave her her Ferrari. Well, whadda ya know, she loved it, thus proving that worrying about stuff that hasn't happened yet is absolutely pointless. To make the day perfect, Billy gave me and Carlisle, and our families, sanction to cross the boundary lines, in perpetuity, provided we remain Veggies. Now how great is that!_

_So, coming home to Forks has been a wonderful thing. I must admit that I'm really going to miss this place, but it's not like we're never coming back._

_Tonight I'm writing letters, and in the morning I have some small stuff to put in the Guardian. Then, it will be time to go. Everything's progressing like clockwork. Before we know it, you will be here. For real. Hard to believe._

_As you can see, I've printed a little picture of you off the DVD, and stuck it in here, so you can't argue with me about anything I've said. See? You really do look like me and Mom. _

_I just can't seem to stop looking at it._

_We're halfway there!_

_Love and cuddles,_

_Your picture-obsessed Daddy_


	12. Chapter 12: Life Changes

**Chapter 12: Life Changes**

_**Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended. Any resemblance to persons living or dead is merely coincidental.**_

_**This chapter corresponds to 'Make Haste, My Beloved', Chapter 8.**_

_Thursday, September 26__th__, 2005,_

_Hello Minibella,_

_(Someday when you are an adult, you may ask me why I just called you that. I won't fo__rget.__ Hah hah. On that day, I reserve the right to snort, and you may yell at me and whack me on the arm before you tell me you need bleach.)_

_You have grown. Your mother looks properly pregnant now, and everyone can tell. Her belly-button is starting to stick out, and she has this glow. As for you, you are fifteen inches long and weigh two pounds. Also, we think you like to dance, judging from the amount of kicking you do. Hey, I'll dance with you after you're born. Give Mom a break, please._

_You know, I was thinking this morning about what a difference a week makes. A mere week ago, your Mommy and I were at home in Forks at our cottage. I would put my lips against her stomach and say 'Tigger', and you would go nuts. But I couldn't Hear you at all._

_This morning, Bella and I are off to class at Dartmouth College. Yeah, High school seemed to last forever, but it's done. I can't wait for this day to start. Providentially, it's raining again. For sunny days, Aro has supplied me with a tutor named Morty. He's on sabbatical, technically, but in actuality, he's not well. The cancer is bad, and he's pretty scared. I don't know what kind of man he is yet, so I don't know what our involvement will be in his life. Time will tell, because nothing remains stagnant._

_Most of your mother's classes are either early in the morning, or at night. Mine are all scheduled for after six in the evening. It's going to be difficult for me to spend so much time away from her; we've been inseparable all year, and of course we've spent almost every moment together since the wedding. My family has often attempted to tell me that a little space between mates is healthy. It doesn't feel healthy, it feels worrisome. I do hope to walk Bella to all her classes, especially since she needs protection from some Llama Bama Ding Dongs who are hooligans, living up to their frat-boy reputations. Of course, Bella and I won't be here very long. Before we know it, y__ou __will be in our arms and in all likelihood we'll have to take at least some of our studies through correspondence. Your Mom will be a Newborn after you arrive. I doubt I'll be parading her about on the Dartmouth Green. She might want a snack! Hah._

_A few days ago, I Heard your voice for the first time. I've never Heard anything so pure, or so welcome. So I'm going to have to forgive you for occasionally having interrupted the marital affection that Mommy and I are fond of exchanging. Don't be so inquisitive! Suffice it to say, we know how to get you to stop kicking her now._

_Stop saying 'ew'. You wouldn't like it if we weren't affectionate with each other, would you? If the mushy stuff squicks you out, though, we can loan you to Uncle Em and Auntie Rose. Hmm, then again, they're probably just as bad as we are. I'd better ask Grammie Esme to babysit you, instead. She and Granddad can contain that affection, as they've been married a w__hile. __Well, no, that's not really it. They're just more reserved than their 'kids'. They have to be, or else Carlisle would never make it in to work._

_He's only 24. Deal with it. I have to!_

_The new house is great. The walls are plaster and lathe, which affords more privacy than drywall. There is a transom above each bedroom door, however, that lets all the sound in. Yeah, it's a genuine old Victorian. When Em and I first saw it, it had one of those old octopus furnaces that burned oil, and a 78 amp service. The foundation is sound, which is the most important thing. I think my mother would have loved it; it's red brick, with white lintels, and it has a turret of sorts on the front right side. You'll laugh, but there aren't any stairs in it. Esme thought it would be funny to stick a fireman's pole in the turret, since the whole thing was gutted when we bought it. And there are no bedrooms upstairs. There's a small office and the rest is all closet space. Each of us has a ladder inside our bedroom closet that leads to the second floor. Weirdest house ever, but it's kind of whimsical. Esme really blew the cobwebs out of it. Certainly, nobody's going to ask where four college kids got the money to buy it. It's not any more ostentatious than its neighbours._

_(The neighbour on the right, incidentally, is an old sourpuss. Taking one look at us, she thought 'Cullenwood', after the Collinwood Estate in 'Dark Shadows'. She doesn't like me at all. She thinks I married your mom because I knocked her up. Then again, she thinks Carlisle is a bad influence on me. I wonder what she'd say if she really knew us!)_

_Esme initially wanted me to buy this big mansion out by the Connecticut River. I just couldn't see the point. This house is great. Besides, I get really tired of the intrusive curiosity of humankind, and humans just can't fathom four young people occupying a mansion._

_Please excuse your old man if I ramble in these letters. I suppose you will think me a dinosaur for scribing them by hand, when I could be writing them on a computer and editing them as I go. Well, I miss the days when I would sit down with a thick, textured piece of paper and this trusty pen. It's getting old now; your grandfather Masen gave it to me when I started high school. I suspect he would growl if he saw the way the kids make their letters today. Good penmanship is becoming a lost art. Some of the kids in high school these days can't even read cursive writing._

_(You will not be one of those kids.)_

_I digress, as usual._

_I found this house before your mom and I got engaged. Well, I wanted to buy it and surprise her with it, as I was an idiot and thought –despite all words to the contrary- that she would be happy. You'd think, after almost nine months together, I would have understood her better. __Right!__ I was anxious to ensure that Bella would be mine forever, and believed my mother's ring and a house might be the perfect way to mark her eighteenth birthday. Yeah, that didn't go so well. But everything worked out eventually, and I'm not going to go into it here. Yes, we had a bad time (have I mentioned that your mother and I used to be lousy communicators?) but since we reconciled life has never been so sweet._

_So, how did we come to have the house, you may ask? Obviously, your mother and I did not get engaged on September 13__th__, 2004. And I put the house out of my mind. Not so, my brother Emmett, dear man that he is. He had an idea that I might still want this house someday. Auntie Titch and Uncle Jazz agreed with him. Em bought the house. I'm so glad he had more faith than I did._

_Uncle Em and Auntie Rose lived here last year, beginning in December, so they could attend Dartmouth as freshmen. Bella and I were supposed to be seniors at Forks High. We missed a few months. Anyway, now we're here. Em wanted to give me the house as a wedding gift, but I wouldn't let him. He and Rose will likely finish their degrees here, unlike Bella and me. Plus, your aunt really loves the house, although she'll probably never admit it. She deserves a house of her own. They don't own any other property. Not only do Bella and I have the cottage, we have the house in Chicago, although I can't imagine ever wanting to live there._

_I'll admit that I'm a little scared to go back. I'm not sure I want to remember what it was like to be Eddie Masen._

_Don't worry about me. Mom will be there to hold my hand._

_Hey, I had a pleasant blast from the past as we made our way across America. Have I ever mentioned Frankie Manning? Guy Lombardo? Frank Dutton? We stopped by the Lombardo Museum in London, Ontario, and visited with Frank. Bella and I danced for him. It got me thinking about Frankie Manning, you know? That guy was so much fun. He taught me so much about dancing. And people. I wish I could see him again._

_Well, that's part of life. As you grow and change, you meet new people, and sometimes you lose old friends. It's the way of things. I fear you'll have to get used to it. We all do, some of us more than others._

_While we're in this neck of the woods, I want your mother to see Boston, Cape Cod and maybe Martha's Vineyard. There probably won't be time to get to New York. That will be a trip for another time, when you're big enough to travel._

_I might, however, take her up to the edge of the country, to see Eastport, Maine. It was Jem's patch. I miss him so much. Really. One of the best men I've ever known, and a wonderful friend. Peggy was a dear woman. Yeah, she was my landlady. And they got married, years after I went back to Carlisle and Esme. I got a real kick out of that. Talk about a December romance. I wish they could have met Bella. Well, maybe someday, in Heaven, we'll all be together again, and Jem will tell me I'm still dumb as a bag of hammers, and Laurie will just laugh at me, in that silent way of his, and shake his head. I'm pretty certain that friendships won't change at all, unless everything just gets… better. Sweeter, for not being taken for granted._

_I used to think I was unchanging, that I was not truly alive. I used to think of my existence as being inexorable as the tide. You may have heard that expression. Well, people who don't know tides think they are predictable, unrelenting and dull. Well, admittedly they are unstoppable, but they are hardly predictable or dull. Maybe the people who think so have never have sat to watch the movement of the waters._

_Tides never come in or out at the exact same time. One cannot predict when the tide will come in or how far it will reach, and thus people are caught unawares. Sometimes, this causes a bit of a thrill and gives the person a laugh. At others, the person becomes a victim of that tide. And sometimes the tide comes in quickly, at others, it creeps up on you. You have to be ready for it._

_Also, it can leave behind these little pools, teeming with strange, unexpected life. The creatures may be odd or alarming, or they may be unimaginably wonderful and beautiful. It's endlessly fascinating. I wonder if God feels the same way, looking down on Creation. Only He made us; He won't ever walk away to do something else, leaving all those little creatures behind._

_Yeah. The tides. Eternity. Love. Change and un-change. There's a beauty in it._

_You're changing every day, and so am I. I'd tell you that my love for you will never change, but it wouldn't be true. It will get deeper._

_Six-and-a-half weeks to go, little one. Such a short time, and it feels like forever. We shall meet soon._

_I remain, always,_

_Your Daddy_


	13. Chapter 13: Past, Present and Future

**Chapter 13: Past, Present and Future**

_**Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended. Any resemblance to persons living or dead is merely coincidental.**_

_**This chapter corresponds to 'Make Haste, My Beloved', Chapter 12.**_

_Sunday, October 16__th__, 2005, 5AM,_

_Dear Renesmee,_

_I'm sorry that I haven't written in so long. Adjusting to the changes in life has been more of a challenge than I anticipated, the days fly by and I suddenly realize time has passed. Plus, I didn't quite know what to tell you about the terrible things Caius has done. Suffice it to say, the Allied Covens are combatting his evil, dirty tricks._

_Your mother and I have now been in college a month and we've made some good friends. My tutor, Morty, is now a Newborn. He woke up yesterday with a smile and is now presumably halfway to our compound in the western Amazon. Auntie Alice and Uncle Jazz are chaperoning him. It wouldn't do for him to eat any of our precious Ticuna. He was an excellent man and I expect him to be an upstanding Vegetarian._

_Nahuel is standing in for me as leader of the Amazon Coven. I like him. He has character. While Jasper's down there, he's going to teach Nahuel some stuff about mounting a defense. We've lost a wonderful person –Cousin Irina. We also lost forty Ticuna from the village near Manacapuru. I don't want to lose anyone else. We must stop Caius, and soon._

_Life is most certainly not dull at Dartmouth College. I can't wait to discuss everything with Carlisle. I sent him and Esme a message a couple of hours ago, just to tell them I loved them. They haven't responded yet, but I know what they'll say._

_I'm enclosing a picture of Bella and me wearing our bratty matching pregnancy t-shirts. I look like a sappy date, but doesn't she look stunning? Her hair is longer, thicker, and wavier than it was a month ago and it just shines. And, oh boy, is she strong and graceful! She took down a female Trad all by herself last week without even getting a hair out of place. Adjusting to Durabella isn't the easiest thing, but I am __so proud __of her._

_Mommy's now the equivalent of seven months pregnant. In only a little over a month, you'll be here. It's hard to believe how fast things are changing. Bella's tummy now measures 29 inches from the pubic bone to the fundus, which is a tiny bit larger than we'd expect, but nothing to make us think your due date is off._

_Now, what about you? This will probably be the only time in your life that I'll tell you you're gaining weight so don't bug me about it. Babies triple their weight in the last trimester and you're taking up a lot more room. You weigh about two-and-a-half pounds and you're sixteen inches long (imagine __that!)__. Mommy's not really happy about your size sometimes. You can get really restless. You can reach her ribs when you kick and although she doesn't complain about it to me, she gets tired. Also, she can cry at the drop of a hat. Don't tell her I said that, please. I want to live._

_You're skin's beginning to get thicker and it now has pigment. Do you know what's really great? In the night, you __opened your eyes__ and I could See you through them. I think I'm going to start to try and describe what you're seeing, so you can put a name to things (assuming that it doesn't drive Bella nuts. The last thing I need to do right now is annoy her. If she cries over something I do, I'll probably put myself in her chipper shredder). I can tell that your skin is also starting to get slippery with vernix. That's fatty stuff that will protect your skin and help you pass through the birth canal more easily._

_Your nostrils are now open, too, and I can hear you breathing the amnion. How great is that! Your tiny lungs actually work!_

_You're fascinated with your fingers. And why wouldn't you be? They're beautiful. I could stare at them all day if you'd only stay awake (Mommy wouldn't like that very much, though. You dance around a lot)._

_Bella's exhausted tonight and that's my fault. We've been in Chicago since Friday night. That evening, at the hotel, I was nervous about going back to the house where I was born and she tried her best to distract me by asking questions and-_

_Sorry, I was about to give you TMI._

_We spent several hours at the house in Lincoln Park yesterday and I tried to settle some things regarding my past. I may never know what I did to anger my father, but I think I've taken some steps to ensure that my future (and yours) is not tethered to traumatic events from 1918._

_First, I addressed the problem aloud 'with' my father. I told him what I remembered and how badly his anger has scarred me. Second, I told him that I'll never make you fear me or any object I might hold in my hands. And third, I stated that I will never allow you to doubt my love. You can hold me to that. At the end of my talk, with your mom's support, I burned the belt with which he injured me and I said goodbye to him. I wonder if I'll ever speak to him again before I reach Heaven._

_I hope I can think of nice things to tell him. Maybe sometime, I'll tell him about you._

_I'm turning the Masen house into a refuge for abused women and children. Bella suggested it and I think it's a wonderful idea. I'm going to speak to Auntie Rose about it as soon as we get back to Hanover. Caring for women and children in distress is of special interest to her and Uncle Em. I know her ideas will be outstanding._

_Bella's asleep right now. Happily, it's supposed to rain today so we'll be able to go sightseeing. She said she wants me to show her 'my' Chicago. That means we'll be going to some places I haven't seen since I was a boy. They will have changed so much. I expect the height of the trees of Lincoln Park is going to astound me. Besides that, I'm especially curious to see the Museum of Science and Technology, which was originally the main building at the World Expositions (Father took me when I was six and fourteen). I've also managed to get tickets to tonight's ball game. I may buy a box of Crackerjack for old time's sake._

_Your mom's heartbeat just quickened and that means she's about to wake up. I'll catch up with you later, okay peanut? Maybe tonight, I'll tell you all about our day._

_I'm not going to worry about the past anymore, insofar as I'm able. "__For now we see in a mirror dimly, but then face to face; now I know in part, but then I will know fully just as I also have been fully known. __But now abideth faith, hope, love, these three; and __the greatest of these is love (I Corinthians 13:12-13)."_

_It's hard for me to believe that I could possibly love you more than I do now, but that is the reality._

_Love abides forever._

_Daddy_


End file.
